Little bits of life lately & my word for 2018.

Let me start this little shin-dig off by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

It's currently January 5th and I am in full blown, this-year-is-going-to-be-the-greatest mode. I believe it with every morsel of my being. I am breathing in this beautiful fresh, new air and can taste the potential of 2018.

I've vented a few times about 2017 to you all. Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful year — one I will always remember for sure. One I will NEVER regret, But it was my work-horse year as well. I dug in deep, put my head down and worked. When I say I worked, I mean I really really REALLY worked. I barely slept. I took on session after session after session after session, and wedding after wedding after wedding, and project after project after project. We grew our nonprofit Spectrum Inspired to astronomical levels. We not only gained our official 501C3 status, but we traveled the world, expanded our reach, interviewed TEMPLE GRANDIN, and became a TRUELY global initiative! 

And then, just for kickers, you know to see if I could make myself MAD from work, I decided to launch Unraveled Academy with a couple of my best friends and create a community of uplifting artists. So far? It's my greatest accomplishment. No, OUR greatest accomplishment. It has become my new home and my favorite way to spend my time. Turns out my love for teaching didn't die when I dropped my teaching degree a semester before I was about to graduate. 

I've digressed as usual. So, simply stated, I found myself in my career this past year. I know who I am and I know without a doubt who I want to be. I've worked my ass off in search of it all. This isn't a post to brag about my successes or complain about my hardships though. This is a post to chat about how I want to improve myself for the new year and regain perspective. 

What I have lost this year was my peace, my connections, my presence in my children's lives, the ability to keep track of my schedule and my mind, and a little slice of my happiness. 

Throughout 2017, I found myself saying the words, "slow and steady....slow and steady," over and over again in my head, as I was amidst panic attacks in my car or on the verge of tears at night because I wasn't sure if I had done enough that day — knowing there was so much more I could have done. The hardest part of the juggling act I was amidst was mothering my four children. While my youngest is in preschool, I am very much still a stay at home mom to them and am required to be there for all of their activities while manning four blooming businesses. Homework, dance, playdates, therapies — that shit is all on me. It's not easy. 

Gosh, I can't even tell you how many angry emails I received this past year about needing to reschedule sessions or not being able to fit people into my calendar or for not responding to their email within 24 hours. And damnit, I LOVE my clients. Like I really, really love them all and consider them to be stitched within my being. Documenting the lives of people year after year has a way of making your clients really MEAN something to you. Being a photographer is this crazy, out-of-body experience where you suddenly believe that you are apart of your clients' story and that it is YOUR responsibility to capture them authentically. But, needless to say, there were many days and weeks where I couldn't keep up — I was sick, my kids were sick (we were all sick) and I was just unable to return emails or had to reschedule sessions and quite literally found myself pulling off the highway once, getting sick all over myself in my car and I just KNEW that it had gone too far. I had pushed myself too hard. 

So, the moral of this vent/post is: 2018 is my year of "steadiness" I will keep myself steady — from now on. I will better delegate what I can and cannot do. Above all else, I will put my time and effort and love into the projects and people I am most passionate about and I will be absolutely intentional, gradual, present and STEADY in every moment. After all, slow and steady wins the race. Am I right?

Steady never felt so right. 

Do you have a word for 2018? 

And here is a little bit of our life lately (aka 20 minutes with my kiddos locked in my room-- being bribed with chocolate for their participation). 

Little bits of lately & finding our life recipe.

I've wanted to be a lot of things in my life. I've wanted to be a teacher and a writer and a photographer. I'm fairly certain at one time I even wanted to be a psychologist. But even when I was confused and changing majors in college; and even when I didn't know who I wanted to be or what my life would look like, there was always one thing I always knew as certain. I would be a mother. I have always, always, always wanted to be a mother and I've always known it would be my ultimate destination.  I've known this with every pore and morsel of my being, truly.  With all the passions and dreams I've had in this life thus far, none have ever been stronger than my passion to mother. 

Oddly enough, the past year or two have been the first I've ever been able to focus on myself and my career. Before that it was straight from college and into motherhood. Surrounded by babies. Always. Deep beneath the depths of four children and a home. It was glorious and awful.  So the past two years have  been a bit of an escape from motherhood and were much needed. They were possibly some of the best years of my life because I was able to prove to myself that I am worthy of more than just motherhood and that I am individual outside of my children, not just a continuation of their beings. I can not only be successful and accomplish my dreams, but I can do so without going completely fucking nuts. My hands are made to write and photograph the beautiful things around me, and not only for changing diapers and helping with homework. My legs can walk away just as quickly as they can run towards. People can see me, and I am not invisible after all. I matter too, it seems. 

So yes, I feel as though these past two years have helped me to realize who I am.  But oddly enough, I've also been a bit sad. Maybe even more than a "bit." Maybe even as wild as"absurdly." 

As of lately, and amidst the struggles of being completely overworked and pain achingly tired from putting in too many hours into my work, I've  realized that my individual self worth is not measured by what kind of success I have in my career. Although maybe it is for some and that is wonderful. But for me, my success and individual self worth is measured mostly in my moments and all the love, the laughter, the tingles, the Eskimo kisses, and all the cheesy-weesy good shit that motherhood gives me. And most important, my success is measured by my happiness and lack of anxiety. I am most happy in my home surrounded by my people —giving them all of my time and preserving our memories. Just us. Nobody else. Unfortunately for us though, bills have to be paid and life can not be lived solely between four walls. Most would go mad anyway. 

But what I've realized is that we have to find our own lives and what works for us. We have to search and build until we create a life and a career and a family that is the perfect mix for us. We really just have to find the right recipe for our lives, ya know? So friggin cliche. But so friggin true. And even at the very beginning of it all, before we really know what we want, we understand that we can taste-test and try a little bit of everything until we find the perfect recipe for us. Needless to say, I'm on way to mastering my recipe. 

Let me just wrap up this rambling with a bad ass quote that sums up the moral of this story,

"create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that looks good on the outside."

and then here is a little bit of lately.....

(in iPhone images)

Rules for Fathers of Sons

So, many of you have already read my 25 Rules for Mothers of Daughters. If you haven’t, you totally should.

For this post, I thought it would be great to make some rules for all the daddy's out there.  I am almost certain that I don’t have a single male reader…so,  please pass it along to the men in your lives, ladies! Oh, and I assume that most of you who are reading this are the Momma's...so I put some rules in there to help our cause...you can thank me later :-)

1. Love his Mother. He will learn to love like you love, and hate like you hate. So choose love for both of you. Devote yourself to it. Love with your whole heart and express that love each and every day. Then, someday down the road, you will see the way he loves his own wife, and know that you played a part in that.

2. Let him drive. Every child remembers the first time they drove on daddy's lap. For that one moment, he will believe that he is just. like. you. 

3. Teach him to be picky. Especially when it comes to women and burgers. Teach him to never settle.

4. Take him to a ball game. There is something about sharing a day of hot dogs, sunshine and baseball with your father.

5. Love with Bravery. Boys have this preconceived notion that they have to be tough. When he is young, he will express his love fully and innocently. As he grows, he will hide his feelings and wipe off kisses. Teach him to be a man who rubs them in instead. It takes courage for a man to show love: teach him to be courageous.

 6. Talk about sex. Sometimes, boys need to know that all men are created equal.

7. Teach him to be a man’s man. Show him how to be brave and tough. Then, remind him over and over again that it's still okay to cry.

8. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let him tell you about girls, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. He is not only your son, you are not only his father. Be his friend too.

 9. Teach him manners. Because sometimes you have to be his father, not just his friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

10. Teach him when to stand-up and when to walk away. He should know that he doesn’t have to throw punches to prove he is right. He may not always be right. Make sure he knows how to demand respect- he is worthy of it. This does not mean he has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you can say more with silence.

11. Teach him to choose his battles. Make sure he knows which battles are worth fighting — like for family or his favorite baseball team. Remind him that people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help him to understand when to shut his mouth and walk-away. Teach him to be the bigger- the better- person.

12. Let him dance in tighty whiteys. Dance alongside him in yours. Teach him that there are moments when it is okay to be absolutely ridiculous.

13. Share music. Introduce him to the classics and learn the words to the not-so-classics. Create a rock band with wooden instruments, share your earphones, and blast Pink Floyd in the car. Create a soundtrack to your lives together.

14. Let him win. Sometimes he needs to know that big things are possible.

15. Teach him about family. Let him know family is always worth fighting for. Family is always worth standing up for. At the end of the day, he has you to fall back on, and pray to God that you will have him.

 16. Father him. Being a father—to him—is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with him the joys of fatherhood, so one day he will want to be a father too. Remind him over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love him like you love him.

17. Listen to him now. If you don’t listen to the little things now, he won’t share the big things later.

18. Let him try on your shoes. Even if they are old and smelly. Let him slip his little feet in and watch him as he hopes like hell that someday he can fill them. He will fill them.

19. Give him bear hugs. The kind that squeezes his insides and make him giggle. The kind of hug only a daddy can give.

 20. Give him baths. Because Mom can’t do everything damnit.

21. Teach him how to pee standing up. Let him pee outside- such is the joy of being a man. Mom cannot teach this talent, so someone has to.

22. Know the answers. He will assume you do. If you don’t know them, pretend you do and look them up later.

 23. Toss him around. Because little boys love seeing the strength of their father. Throw him up in the air, so that he knows you will always be there to catch him on his way down.

 24. Ask his mother. He will come to you with questions that he won’t always want to ask his mother, about girls and about love. Ask her anyway, she will know the answers.

25. Love him like you would love a daughter. Little girls are not the only ones who need hugs and kisses. Love is the color yellow of emotions. It is both happy and gender neutral.

26. Grow a big belly. Because every child should get the chance to rest there head on the absolute softest pillow ever. Daddy’s belly is the best place to land. 

27. Don't say, do. American inventor, Charles F. Kettering once said, "every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice." Be a good one.

28. Be his hero. You are anyway. To him, you have the strength of Batman, the speed of Spiderman and the brain of Ironman. Don't disappointment. Prove to him that Daddy's are the biggest heroes of all. Only Daddy's can save the day. 

After all, good fathers make good sons.

How to Raise an Over-Achiever

My son is an over-achiever. It was not something that I planned for, but rather a coincidental accomplishment. One that I am both proud of and willing to take complete credit for, if necessary. When reflecting upon the parenting style of myself, and those who have raised over-achievers, it appears that there are some consistencies in expectations and discipline. Consistencies being the operative word. Oh, and it helps if they are the first born. Here are five:

1. Use Positive Reinforcement. Many over-achieving children are smart and determined. However, they also tend to be sensitive, which means that want to excel in order to impress. They do not want to feel as if they have let you –or their teachers and coaches— down. This characteristic can work to your advantage as the parent, to help foster their achievements. By praising their efforts and showing your pride, you drive their passion to achieve.

2. Be Consistent. Children benefit from consistency and schedules. They excel when they know what to expect, and they happily keep their groove when they know the tune of the day. They should follow a routine that starts with waking up at the same time, everyday. From there, the day should follow a similar schedule as the day before. This will ensure they know what to do, and when to do it, which ultimately keeps them task oriented.

3. Reinforce Commitment. Demand that your children start what they finish. If they sign up for baseball and decide they do not like it halfway through the season, be sure that they finish it off with a smile. If they decide to paint a picture of the moon, and want to quit because they could not get the curve right, encourage them to try again. Explain to them that everything they decide to do is a commitment and should be treated the same as a promise; and we all know that promises should never be broken.
 

4. Explain the Many Faces of Success. Explain to your child that success does not look the same for everyone. For some, writing a sentence without spelling errors is an accomplishment. For others, adding a detailed  picture with beautiful colors to accompany a sentence is an achievement. Remind your child to never compare themselves to others, but instead focus on doing their best, always. If they focus on their own capabilities, they will be in constant motion of improvement.

5. Find Positive Influences. Children should be surrounded by great influences, friends who have unique passions and talents, teachers who inspire them, and adults who foster their love of success. They should read the stories of great writers, listen to the songs of great musicians, and see the paintings of fantastic artists. They need to be surrounded by the potential to learn, and grow, and achieve. It starts with inspiration and ends with success.

I'm a Better Mom When I'm Drunk, Foster Care & Morals.

I fully realize that the title of this post could potentially cause an uproar. I also fully realize that my blog tends to be a plethora of mooshy-gooshy babble on how much I love being a mother. And, I mean every.single.word.of.it.

But guess what?

If you knew me in real life, you would probably laugh your ass off when reading about all my emotions. 'Cause in real life, I don't share that kind of shit (with anyone other than my children). In fact, my very best friend in the whole wide world told me to keep my mouth shut when shopping for our best friend's wedding dress the other day. Apparently, I am too blunt and occasionally mean. Wah. Wah. The truth comes out....

So, in a weird way, I am embarrassed when people (who know me personally) read my blog. My blog holds my secrets and my truths....my insides. On the outside, I am different. I can be hard. I can be closed off. And I curse....a lot.

On here, I let my emotions seep through my veins and onto the page. I feel naked, exposed, and raw. I let it all hang out.

Now on to the real story.

I was sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant in the downtown of my hometown with 5 of my best friends from High School. We were the loud, obnoxious ladies drinking Scorpian bowls with far reaching straws and asking the waiters to take our pictures. 

We were those women who you absolutely hate unless you are one of them. We laugh too hard, we quote too many movies, we harvest too many inside jokes, we finish too many sentences and we fully admit to being a stone cold pack of weirdos. We wear that title with pride, damnit. And with little puddles of pee in our panties from laughing too hard (oh wait, that may be just me after four children.) Scratch that.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Ceire about how Matt (my husband) would come pick us up in the minivan with all of my children if we drank too much. Now, before you judge me for being irresponsible, please note that I would have only resorted to this as a last case scenario. In the end, I stopped drinking, sobered up and drove home with a clear head and conscious. 

As my friends and I were laughing about what a scene it would be to have Mommy and her best friend stumble into the family minivan, I jokingly stated that Jackson would probably be psyched about the fact that we would undoubtedly be pretty fun to hang out with. You know, we would blast music, sing too loud and throw our inhibitions out the window along with our pride. A kid's dream.

I went on to tell my friends that I am a better Mom when I'm drunk. Of course, this was an exaggerated and buzzed version of the truth. However, one time, after 2 or 3 glasses of wine, Jackson and I went upstairs to my room and did ninja moves off my bed. You know, we were jumping as high as we could and rocketing ourselves off with ninja kicks and “hi-yahhs” He told me I was the Best. Mom. Everrrrr. I typically do not participate in ninja kicks off my bed without wine, but rather, I try to encourage safer and less obtrusive activities. 

So, while we were laughing about how gosh darn funny it is that I am a better Mom when I'm drunk, we had a women stumble up to our table. She was completely shit-faced. She was slurring her words and rambling on about how nice it was to see a group of girls together. She thought we were in High School. We assured her that while we were all High School friends, we were all far and above the legal drinking age...hence the Scorpian bowls. 

Someone mentioned that I was a mother, which ultimately sparked the moral of this story.

She was a foster parent turned adoptive mother of a 9 year old. How sweet, I thought, until she started to go on and on about how horrible the past year of her life has been and how difficult her daughter was to deal with. She very bluntly said, “she's a huge pain in my ass.”

Just then, my tunnel vision zeroed in on a beautiful little girl who was sitting at the bar alone. Her big green eyes looked too wise for her age, and her chestnut hair looked too snarly to be clean. She sat slouched and resting on one hand, staring over at us with her ears perked and listening. It became absurdly clear that the drunk women speaking to us was her mother, and that she was the "pain in the ass." She looked like an angel to me. She looked like someone who was lost and straining to find comfort. She looked like she needed someone to tell her that she was not a pain in the ass at all. 

I cannot believe that I had the audacity to say that I was a better Mom when I was drunk. I cannot believe that I spoke those words when there was a child sitting at a bar, wishing that her mother would stop drinking, and that she could spend her Saturday night at home on the couch, watching movies and eating pizza like any normal 9 year old. I cannot believe that I could not stand up, drag her out and watch that movie with her, sharing blankets and laughter. Instead, I put my drink down, stood up, and as a walked past her with my heart crumbling to pieces on the floor, all I could scrummage up to say was a very simple “goodbye beautiful” and a smile that I can only hope proved to her that someone in the world felt for her. That someone in the world acknowledges that she deserves more than that. She does.

(And for what it's worth, the mooshy-gooshy of it all, the feelings and emotions that this little child pours out of me just thinking about her are worth spewing onto this page, despite how naked it makes me feel. That little girl deserves someone to advocate for her. She deserves someone to feel for her. And who am I to hold that in because I am too afraid to say how I feel?) 



To see more beautiful faces of children currently in need of loving homes in the United State, please visit adoptuskids.org.