What I Want to Tell My Daughter About Her Body.

I've written about my confidence issues before, but as my daughter grows up and becomes more and more wrapped up in her appearance, I cannot help but wonder if I am making the same mistakes that my parents did with me. 

As a child, I was often told that I was beautiful. I know, I know, you're probably sarcastically thinking, oh you poor thing. But honestly, looking back I think being told that I was beautiful more often than I was smart or strong or athletic created an overwhelming need in me to be perfect. 

With time, I began to rely on my beauty. I began to see it as the only thing I was bringing to the table. It overcame me. The need to standout in a crowd washed over me no matter where I was. I always wanted to be the prettiest girl in the room because I knew that I was never going to be the smartest or the strongest or the sassiest. In fact, I was a little plain, a tad boring and insanely self-conscious. My face burned crimson red with embarrassment more often than not and one of my very best friends nicknamed me "lobster." I now wonder if the reason I was always blushing was because I was terrified of what I looked like as I spoke to others. Did they think I was pretty? I hoped so. If not, what else was I? 

When I did not feel beautiful, I did not feel whole. When I felt too fat, I would not eat. When I forgot to put on makeup, I felt naked. And eventually it sent me into an obsession about my weight; because, I thought, who was I if I was not the pretty, skinny girl? 

I've told myself so many times that I would only stress my daughter's strength and smarts and never her external beauty. I wanted to dwell on her health rather than her eating habits; and I wanted more than anything to see her eyes light up at artwork or athletics rather than makeup and clothes. 

Yet, here I am, the mother of a 3 year old who sneaks into the bathroom to put on makeup and wears princess high heals around the house on a daily basis. She will throw tantrums until she gets to wear what she thinks are the pretty tights and she wants cupcake-flavored lip glass on before leaving the house. Yeah, she's 3.

Is it something that I have done or is it just naturally embedded into who she is destined to be? I think it's a little bit of both. I believe Delaney was born to be a girly-girl. She loves tutus, sparkles and blush and would rather spend the afternoon pretending to be Lady Gaga than playing baseball; it's who she is. And I love her for that.

But I believe that I am partly giving in to how society is molding our daughters. The truth is, our society values women more for than beauty and the size of their breasts than they do for the intellect or character. And here I am going along with the crowd, as I take her picture after she puts on play makeup instead of after she scores a goal in soccer, or when I say, "Delaney, you are so beautiful" after she puts on her tutu and does the most lovely ballerina twirl. 

Not to mention, Delaney has heard me pick myself apart. She has seen me stare in the mirror as I glide my hand over the curves of my stomach with disgust. She has heard me complain about needing to lose weight, having nothing to wear and looking aged. Too many times I have put my own looks down while she stands in the next room listening. She is receiving all these messages and molding them into how she views herself. 

It is unacceptable.

My daughter needs to be told that her body is not an ornament, but rather an instrument. Her body should not be the scale of which her worth is weighed. She does not need to strive for perfection in boob-jobs and botox. I would never want her to feel the pressure of having to be the prettiest or skinniest girl in the room; because at some point, looks fade and what is left is wisdom. I want her to be wise. I want her to strive to be the smartest, the most well-read, and the most traveled. I want her to use her body to run marathons, play sports, explore the world, and seek creative outlets. 

I want her to expect more of herself than I ever did. I want her to know that her insides are so much more valuable than her outsides.

So, it is okay if my daughter pursues her love of Ballet; but I want her passion to lie in the art form rather than the buns and tutus. And when she gets off the stage after her first performance, I am going to say, "Delaney, you are so talented."

The Moment My Son Was Diagnosed with Autism.

It was a cold December morning. The world felt raw and unattached as I swung my feet out from my comforter and onto the chipped hardwood floors. 6:00 am and we had to be into the city by 8. The thought of trekking through the traffic and breaking my son's extremely strict, never-goes-a-day-without-sitting-in-the-same-spot-on-the-couch, morning routine was enough to weigh down my shoulders. In my happiest voice, I said "good morning baby," in a long dragged out tone as I lifted his covers and peered at his trembling bones.  Every morning, when the covers are lifted and the night's warmth is pierced with morning air, his skin trembles and turns a shade of my blue that most people would never notice. But I notice. I always notice. 

I trace his cheek with the outsides of my fingers, giving him a few more moments to acknowledge the day. This was my way --always my way-- of giving him time to adjust and convince him that today will be good -- that he should be prepared to smile. Isn't it funny how we create these routines, and these expectations without ever knowing we are doing so. Without ever seeing the why....

The morning routine continues -- following the strict schedule that Luke has created and I have enabled until finally, we are loaded into our white mini van with the heat turned higher than necessary until suddenly I realize my cheeks are burning. Slowly, our van is swarmed by cars and taxi cabs, and the sound of honking horns and vibrating sterios reminds me of where we are headed. I glance out my window at men beneath houses made of boxes and blankets, and holding signs asking for food, and I think to myself..."well...it could be worse."

I glance over at my husband who has maintained the same straight face he always has when faced with potentially life-altering moments such as these. When I try to chat about what could come of the day, he greets my words with "I don't knows." 

Maybe someone will finally know. After all, isn't that why we are here? Heading into the city-- the renowned Boston Children's-- so we can finally talk to someone who knows. Will anyone know?

5 hours of testing later,  broken up only by one snack and one walk in the hallway, we were told to come back tomorrow to hear our fate. As if they didn't already know.

On the way out, as the cold air pierced my skin, I thought about how well my son behaved. How good he did. And how there is no way, after having such a great day with no tantrums, that anyone would ever see what I thought --maybe-- I saw.  I was almost...disappointed. I didn't want to leave another appointment with them not seeing the truth about my day to day life with my boy. Would these struggles always be our little secret? Would they never have a label? Would we continue through this life, always walking on eggshells and preparing for the next tantrum? Would we always be at party --in a corner-- as he whispers in my ear how scared he is, all the while everyone telling me how well behaved he is.  Gosh, if they only knew. 

As we rounded the bend on our walk back to the car and the air hit me from a new direction, my mind went still The truth is coming, I thought. I pulled up my hood, grateful to be anonymous and that no one could hear the silence inside my head.

As the next day came (as they often do), we sat in the office, sipping our almost-cold coffees when she finally said it aloud "Luke has Autism."

She went on to tell us his strengths and weaknesses and his other diagnosis of Developmental Coordination Disorder. She went on to tell us how sweet he is. And how he is extraordinarily social for a child on the spectrum. She went on to reassure us that we will have all the services and support we will ever need. She went on to tell us everything we already knew about our baby. She went on. And on. And on. And on. And on.

Silence. Everything, silenced. There was not a single movement in the room except for my murky, trembling hands, and the shift of the doctor's leg as she uncomfortably waited for us to speak. There was no way to spit-shine this moment. Or to smack a bandaid over this cut and call it healed. This was not a death sentence nor was it an invitation to some renowned club. It was just--- the truth. The bare-boned, matter-of-fact, truth. Suddenly one of my hands clamped the other and my trembling ceased. My entire body went silent. Then..out of no where, my mouth spoke the words, "thank you."

...for finally saying what I've always known.

6 Tips on Becoming a More Mindful Mother: 10% Happier.

You do not have to have read Dan Harris' book, 10% Happier to get something out of this post but I do very much recommend you doing so-- especially if you suffer from anxiety and are desperately searching for something to hold on to, believe in or to ground you.

Before you start thinking I'm a little too granola and into self-helpery, try to understand that, as mothers and women, we all feel as if we are drowning -- even if just a little bit. We are all looking up trying to find a crack in the ice where we can burst through to gasp for air. I know I am. Constantly. All day long. Gasping.

Since reading 10% Happier, I've developed some new routines in my life, created a plethora of new goals, and have decided WHO I WANT TO BE. And to top it off, I have also decided that there is no longer any room for self-doubt and I am becoming more mindful of each and every moment.

Get on the train momma, its a pretty rad ride.

Below are a few tips I have written on becoming a more mindful woman and momma. Mindfulness to me is intending to be more present in the moment--- more aware, more at ease, and more grateful. It is about finding your flow, and breathing a little deeper. If you are over-taken by this fast paced, multi-tasking, can't-stop-for-a-single second society that we are living in, then please consider some of these tips and picking up this book.

And remember, we are setting examples for our children. If we show them that we are always "there" but never "present," and continue to dish out empty, "yes'" and "no's" but then have no idea what we even said "yes" or "no" to, then our kids will eventually catch on and start copying our behaviors-- allowing the go-go-go lifestyle to over-take them as well. I don't know about you, but I want my kids to be present in their lives --appreciating all the beauty, finding gratitude daily, and being mindful of it all. So, let's start with us. I admit, these tips are not going to change your life. But in motherhood and womanhood, it may allow you to atleast be 10% happier and thats something-- isn't it?

Here are 6 tips on Becoming a More Mindful Motherhood:

1. Stop dividing your attention. One of the biggest stressors for us, as mothers,  is multi-tasking. There is so much that we are trying to do at one time that we end up slicing ourselves up into tiny little slivers and dividing us up equally. We can literally hold a conversation with all of our children while simultaneously writing an email or making a phone call. Sure, we manage to somehow do it, but when we are finished, we literally have no recollection of what the heck we just said or wrote. Our brains are constantly ticking and yet we are missing everything because we do not take the time to be mindful of what we are doing and how we are using our time. It's time to start slowing down, mommas. It is time to stop slicing up our attention up into pieces and start doing more with intention.
2. Be Grateful. It is one thing to say you are grateful and another thing to acknowledge specifically WHY you are grateful and WHAT you are grateful for. Every night before bed, review your day-- you can choose to write down what you are grateful for or just mentally note it. Either way, take the time to consider all the good in your life. It may be as simple as your grande gingerbread latte and that is just fine. But whatever it is,  be more mindful of the little bits of beauty that present themselves to you daily. The more you start being grateful to the universe for all the good in the world, the more good you will begin to see. It's like digging deeper into source energy and karma. See the good, and be grateful and mindful of the good. Then, send out those good vibes and be mindful and ready to receive them right back.
3. Stop treating the present moment as if it were an obstacle. Why do we all feel like the present moment is just something we have to get THROUGH? Why can't we ever just be IN it? The present is not something to overcome in order to get to the next moment. We think to ourselves, "if I could just finish this laundry then I can finally relax." Or, "it'll be so much easier when she turns three and we are out of the terrible twos." We just keep looking forward and pushing through the present as if there is something better ahead of us. Let me tell you girlfriend, THIS IS IT. This is life. Don't live it thinking that THIS moment isn't good enough and the next will be better. It's a horrible cycle where you will always end up wishing for something that you already have right in front of you.
4. Meditate. Set aside time in the morning, before you start stressing over your to-do list or start packing lunches to meditate and be mindful. If you have never tried it, please please do me a favor and do so (I recommend starting with the app Headspace). Take a few minutes every morning to focus on breathing, check in with yourself, and find peace and calming in what the day will bring you. I can promise you this: you will never regret giving yourself 10 minutes to just sit cross legged with a candle burning. There is nothing more serene than having the only sound in your home be that of your breath and the light flickering of the flame to your lavender scented candle. That is bliss, man.
5. Breath before reacting. It is so easy to get so frustrated by the noise, the whining and the arguing bellowing from the mouths of your children constantly. I have even turned around from the driver seat in the car with a fuming red face,  my eye brows pierced upward and my mouth practically foaming and shouted, "just shut up!!!" at the top of my lungs.  Okay, okay, there might have been an eff bomb dropped in there too. Yikes. But the point is, what good did that do?  If anything it made everything worse because the baby started crying hysterically and I fantasized about opening the door and rolling out of my white mini van while it was still moving. Imagine that? I can just picture driving down the road and seeing a mother, all loopy-eyed, rolling out of her moving mini van and running for the hills. Classic. I digress. The point is, sometimes just repeating a mantra to yourself or taking ten deep breaths is enough for you to find your reasoning.  Become mindful in the moment and acknowledge your frustration. Sometimes that's all your frustration wants is for you to say, "yes I KNOW. I am FRUSTRATED." Or try using the mantra, "this too shall pass," as a way to acknowledge that your frustration is only temporary and does not have the power to control you. Acknowledging your mood is sometimes enough to recenter yourself and be able to laugh at the beautiful chaos that is unfolding.
6. Find your flow. Flow is a term used to describe being so engaged in an activity that your awareness of time and your surroundings disappear. Artists often say that when they are creating art, they lose themselves in the moment (I do this often while writing or taking pictures). Find something that you love wholeheartedly and allows you to find your flow so deeply that you are consumed in that moment and in complete disregard for everything else. Be mindful of the power is has over you and enjoy it. This is also important for self care. If you take care of yourself and allow time for you to find your own flow, you will then have more to give to your children later.

32 Rules for Mothers of Daughters

In 2012, before my first daughter was born, I wrote a post titled, "25 Rules for Mothers of Daughters" which was my first ever post to go viral and just about shut down my meek Blogger blog from the traffic surging through it. The morning I was being induced with my daughter, Delaney, was also the morning I realized just how viral the post had gone. From there, I had numerous blogs and sites repost my words (without asking permission or giving credit) and my silly little, rant-filled blog got quite the following. Ironically, I was (literally) JUST becoming a mother to a daughter. I didn't really know too much. I just had dreams of the kind of mother I would be to her, really.

So now, almost 7 years and 2 daughters (and 2 sons for that matter) later, I decided to revisit and revise my Rules for Mothers of Daughters and add some new insight...and new rules to it. So now, here are my 32 Rules for Mothers of Daughters.

1. Paint her nails. Then let her scratch it off and dirty them up. Teach her to care about her appearance, and then quickly remind her that living and having fun is most important.

2. Let her be a cheerleader. This is a new rule for me. Gosh, did I cringe at cheerleading as a young, "tomboy" growing up. But you know what? Those girls work their butts off. So, let her prove to the world that pep is not prissy. And that wearing bows does not make you weak or girly. Let her redefine what it means to be a girl.

3. Share a large cheese with her. Never, ever, ever let her feel guilty about a night of completely vegging out, gushing over a good-ole-fashion RomCom and stuffing her face with pizza. It's good for the soul and is truly a right of passage to true happiness.

4. Let her put on your makeup, even if it means bright-red-smudged lips and streaked-blue eyes. Let her experiment in her attempts to be like you…then let her be herself.

5. Encourage her to try on your shoes and play dress-up. If she would rather wear her brother’s superman cape with high heals, allow it. If she wants to wear a tutu or dinosaur costume to the grocery store, why stop her? She needs to decide who she is and be confident in her decision.

6. Teach her to be independent. Show her by example that woman can be strong. Find and follow your own passions. Search for outlets of expression and enjoyment for yourself- not just your husband or children. Define yourself by your own attributes, not by what others expect you to be. Know who you are as a person, and help your daughter find out who she is.

7. Pick flowers with her. Put them in her hair. There is nothing more beautiful than a girl tangled up in flowers.

8. Let her get messy. Get messy with her, no matter how much it makes you cringe inside. Splash in the puddles, throw snowballs, make mud pies, finger paint the walls: just let it happen. The most wonderful of memories are often the messy ones.
9. Give her good role models- you being one of them. Introduce her to successful woman- friends, co-workers, doctors, astronauts, or authors. Read to her about influential woman- Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie. Read her the words of inspirational woman- Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson. She should know that anything is possible.

10. Give her faith. I am not necessarily talking about God. But perhaps, for you, I am (and that is beautiful too). For me and my girl, I am talking about generally giving her the belief that the world is larger than her. Much, much larger. Teach her to have faith that the universe already has everything she needs and it is up to her to go out and get it. Energy and karma is powerful. Tell her to embrace the source energy all around her and tap into the positive. Nothing good ever happened to a pessimist with a half full glass. Viewpoint and positive thinking is her superpower.

11. Be present. Be there for her at her Kindergarten performances, her dance recitals, her soccer games…her everyday-little-moments. When she looks through the crowds of people, she will be looking for your smile and pride. Show it to her as often as possible.

12. Let her be wild. She may want to stay home and read books on the couch, or she may want to hop on the back of a motorcycle-gasp. She may be a homebody or a traveler. She may fall in love with the wrong boy, or meet mr. right at age 5. Try to remember that you were her age once. Everyone makes mistakes, let her make her own.

13. Let her choose her clothes and decorate her room. I vomit a little in my mouth when I see character bedding or shirts with giant disney characters on them. But you know what? These items are a simple, everyday ways for our girls to show the world who they are, and who they want to be. If she loves Belle and begs for her to be plastered all over her bedroom, embrace it...she is trying to define herself. Let her. Even if you swore that your kid wouldn't be that kid.

14. Teach her that healthy is more important than skinny. Women come in all shapes and sizes. If you feel good, you look good. And feeling good comes from being healthy NOT from being skinny. Let me repeat that: feeling good comes from being HEALTHY, not being skinny.

15. Tell her how beautiful she is. Whether it is her first day of Kindergarten, immediately after a soccer game where she is grass-stained and sweaty, or her wedding day. She needs your reminders. She needs your pride. She needs your reassurance. She is only human.

16. Love her father. Teach her to love a good man, like him. One who lets her be herself…she is after all wonderful.

17. Make forts with boxes and blankets. Help her to find magic in the ordinary, to imagine, to create and to believe in fairy tales. Someday she will make her 5 by 5 dorm-room her home with magic touches and inspiration. And she will fall in love with a boy and believe him to be Prince Charming.

18. Let her watch Twilight. Again, this may be an individual rule. But, as a mother of  6 year old who loves love, I want to foster and enhance that in her. I'm not afraid of the inappropriate scenes or the over-the-top intensity of it all. You know why? I want her to dream. And dream big. And believe in the impossible. But more importantly, I never want her to feel like I'm not keeping anything from her or that she can't talk to me about anything and everything.

19. Read to her. Read her Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle. But also remember the power of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost. Show her the beauty of words on a page and let her see you enjoy them. Words can be simply written and simply spoken, yet can harvest so much meaning. Help her to find their meaning.

20. Teach her how to love- with passion and kisses. Love her passionately. Love her father passionately and her siblings passionately. Express your love. Show her how to love with no restraint. Let her get her heart broken and try again. Let her cry, and gush, giggle and scream. She will love like you love or hate like you hate. So, choose love for both you and her.

21. Encourage her to dance and sing. Dance and sing with her- even if it sounds or looks horrible. Let her wiggle to nursery rhymes. Let her dance on her daddy's feet and spin in your arms. Then later, let her blast noise and headbang in her bedroom with her door shut if she wants. Or karaoke to Tom Petty in the living room if she would rather. Introduce her to the classics- like The Beatles- and listen to her latest favorite- like Taylor Swift. Share the magic of music together, it will bring you closer- or at least create a soundtrack to your life together.

22. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let her tell you about boys, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. She is not only your daughter, you are not only her mother. Be her friend too.

23. Teach her manners. Because sometimes you have to be her mother, not just her friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

24. Teach her when to stand-up and when to walk away. Whether she has classmates who tease her because of her glasses, or a boyfriend who tells her she is too fat - let her know she does not have to listen. Make sure she knows how to demand respect - she is worthy of it. It does not mean she has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence. Also make sure she knows which battles are worth fighting. Remind her that some people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help her to understand when to shut her mouth and walk-away. Teach her to be the better person.

25. Let her choose who she loves. Even when you see through the charming boy she thinks he is, let her love him without your disapproving words; she will anyway. When he breaks her heart, be there for her with words of support rather than I told-you-so. Let her mess up again and again until she finds the one. And when she finds the one, tell her.

26. Instill confidence within her. There is a huge difference in confidence and cockiness. She can believe in herself without bragging about her talents or sounding snooty. And, if she believes in herself and sends only positive vibes into the universe in a graceful manner, the universe will embrace her powers and welcome her confidence with open arms.

27. Teach her the value of true friendship. Never, ever let her be okay with the petty "unfriending" that children too often do. Never, ever let her be okay with a friend who does not cheer her on and only wants to bring her down. And, with that said, never, ever let her be a friend who "unfriends" or who does not support her friends. Friendship should be jam packed with mutual respect and well wishes, if that is absent then so isn't the friendship.

28. Hold her hand. Whether she is 3 years-old in the parking lot or sixteen years old in the mall, hold on to her always- this will teach her to be confident in herself and proud of her family.

29. Mother her. Being a mother - to her - is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with her the joys of motherhood, so one day she will want to be a mother too. Remind her over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love her like you love her. No one can replace or replicate a mother's love for their children.

30. Believe in her. It is the moments that she does not believe in herself that she will need you to believe enough for both of you. Whether it is a spelling test in the first grade, a big game or recital, a first date, or the first day of college…remind her of the independent and capable woman you have taught her to be.

31. Show her affection. Daughters will mimic the compassion of their mother. “I love yous” and Eskimo kisses go a long way.30. Comfort her. Because sometimes you just need your mommy. When she is sick, rub her back, make her soup and cover her in blankets - no matter how old she is. Someday, if she is giving birth to her own child, push her hair out of her face, encourage her, and tell her how beautiful she is. These are the moments she will remember you for. And someday when her husband rubs her back in attempt to comfort her...she may just whisper, "I need my mommy."

32. Be home. When she is sick with a cold or broken heart, she will come to you; welcome her. When she is engaged or pregnant, she will run to you to share her news; embrace her. When she is lost or confused, she will search for you; find her. When she needs advice on boys, schools, friends or an outfit; tell her. She is your daughter and will always need a safe harbor - where she can turn a key to see comforting eyes and a familiar smile; be home.

What rules would you add?

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THIS ON YOUR BLOG WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.