Message: I didn't have time to write yet and still won't until around 11:20ish. Things aren't good-distance, dealing with "jabs" all the time, anger, etc.. How was your weekend? More to come to catch up later.

I figured as much, I am just giving you a hard time because I was excited to “hear” from you. Little-miss-impatient over here. You're kinda like my silver-lining though, so I was a smidge-bit chipper this morning knowing I’d hear from you. Weekend was terrible and… necessary. Things are moving along over here now. I wish I could hear your voice.

Message: Hi, I wish so too. I am not in a good place at all. I told her I was looking at places, etc.. She is very angry. Wants me to try, and is getting angrier because I'm not trying. She doesn't have that control anymore. She is wondering why i wouldn't want to fight for our family and connects it all to you.

Are you okay? I am here for you with whatever you need. This is the tough part and will only get harder from here.

My biggest fear is that you won't like me for who I am because I have become-broken, numb, tired all the time, medical issues (mental/physical) etc.. I guess I need your assurance and don't want you to be with someone like me if you have doubts.

You want reassurance? Thats so cute. I can’t believe you can’t just feel my deep, mind-blowing, think-about-you-every-single second, hanging-on-every-word-you-say, waiting-for-you-to-tell-me-you’re-obsessed-with me, crazy thoughts radiating through the universe into your skull. You know that cute little voice you do sometimes when you’re being a sweetie-poo? I like to imagine that’s a voice only I’ve ever heard. I think you know it. It’s when you are being a total goof and just saying little-bits-of-nothing to reassure me that you’re listening. Like when you asked me if I wanted to keep the Spotify playlist while we were on the phone and you said, “then it stays”…in your goof voice. I love that voice. That side of you. You love to hide it. That’s the part of you that’s gonna come back. I’m gonna get him back. I’m not even a little worried about that or me. I’m worried about you all the time. That you are going to change your mind and not be brave enough to choose me.

Zero doubts.

What’s going on physically and mentally? How can I help? How can we fix those things? I know the mental is from all the shit so it’s not so easy, but maybe we can work through it.

Editing to add: I bet Luca gets that voice too and I love that. I’ll share it.

WRITE BACK BITCH. Sorry. You’re cute. Making me kiss your ass and then disappearing on me again. Give me something back.

I never answered this one:

Lake or Ocean?

I am in love with one day at the ocean or maybe sunset at the ocean (I get to do a lot of sunset and sunrise shoots at the beach in the summer and it can’t be beat). So I love the ocean but I am not the biggest fan of the crowds and the fact that you can’t escape the heat. And now as I am getting older, that much sun is bad for wrinkles (haha so vain). So, I could never choose the ocean. I’m a lake girl, through-and-through. Have you ever spent time on Lake Winnipesaukee? Water-skiing, tubing, fishing, Paddleboarding, the most beautiful hikes just down the street. I think when we can finally be together, that’s the first thing I am going to show you. Just wait until I unlock the beauty of Rattlesnake Island for you

Message: You don't even know how good that made me feel. Unreal. Thank you.
Physically, I am dealing with stomach pain, gastro issues, etc.. I am working on it and have an appointment scheduled Feb. 23. I told you I was fat and "pregnant looking" in my belly and it's been going on for a while now. it's abnormal and beyond frustrating. You still sure?
I have my physical today and I have a check-in with pain doctor as well. I am working on things, but also know I am not good because of the shit I'm in.

I love when you say it's going to come back because I want it to come back. Our connection is crazy and it's one of the qualities that I was going to write for Wednesday, but it's shared now. You already help, not only just by asking, but by the things you write. How can I help you?

Message: I can't believe I wrote "assurance", you knew what I meant and just caught it..oh boy. That was be awesome, and I would you love it one day. Did I miss your list or other responses?

I mean, do you need a little belly rub? I can handle a preggo belly if that’s what you’re worried about. If you think for a single second thats going to be a turn off for me, you are out of your mind. I am only vain when it comes to myself. You are perfect however you are. Sure as can be. I hope your appointments go well, keep me posted.

So you know what pisses me off? I always make you feel better and then you give me back some half-ass agreeing stuff. How about you say: “I’m obsessed with you Sarah.” “I want to make out with you so bad SARAH.” “I saved your Mmmmm playlist to take into the shower and think about you SARAH.” You know what I need toots? I literally want you to be so obvious with me. Like hold nothing back… You will never come off as too-much. I want it allllll. I haven’t let anything get passed me here. I am holding this shit like an oath. You are the one who keeps getting caught NOT me. I am holding down the fort here, kid. No one will ever see any of this but us. Let me (and this space) be your silver lining where you can be happy for a minute and pretend everything doesn’t suck. THAT’S WHAT I NEED AND WANT. More than anything, I am so sick of like holding back and coming off as too much or not enough or saying anything other than EXACTLY how I am feeling and I want someone who is literally crazy about me and not afraid to say it even when shit is hitting the fan and the world is quite literally crumbling around us.

No other responses. I think I deleted the questions but I’ll see if I can hunt them back down.

Oh ok, you said this: I love when you say it's going to come back because I want it to come back. Our connection is crazy and it's one of the qualities that I was going to write for Wednesday, but it's shared now. You already help, not only just by asking, but by the things you write. How can I help you?

You can help me by sharing your side and feelings even if I already said it. I need “assurance” too ;-)

Question to think about tonight and answer tomorrow:

What are the three qualities in a partner you need/want? And why. Don’t you dare just list out “safe/wild/fuckingdumbshit”

But also you better still answer today.

Message: Thank you, and no, I don't need that! I know and I appreciate all of that. You know I am holding back because I'm scared of this being found for us, but understand you need more. I"M CRAZY FOR YOU BABYYYYYYY! You know this and feel it. I have to go teach, but will write back tomorrow. I will check back before I leave today.

I just know you said this in your head in that voice and I am dying laughing. Cute. Okkk but also if you want to write one more time I will just be sitting here thinking boutcha. And trying to work. And don’t you fucking hold back. I am deleting this all as it comes in.. GIVE IT ALL TO ME. Just tell me this: let’s say you move out in the next few weeks/months and I am living alone or separated… will we be able to play that playlist and you know…then?

Picture this: I can park like 2 miles away and run to you to keep my car away but I'll be wearing my running shoes, a top hat, a big nose, some glasses and a trench coat so no one knows it’s me. Guess what is going to be under the trench coat? mmmm

Message: I need more than three, so I'm breaking the rules again, so deal..

Connection-always there no matter what, we don't even need to talk at times. Also, I am lumping support in here (always have each others' back in all areas).
Love-true, real, honest, raw, and vulnerable.
Trust and respect-I have always had this with you and always will.
Communication and conflict resolution-this is easy, this isn't a concern..but a want.

All of these make it easy to just write the word, YOU. Outcomes are peace, happiness, fulfillment, enjoyment, team/partnership, and LOVE.

You didn't answer my last question above about the trench-coat situation…and better not leave for the day without doing it. I am biting my lip and smiling while I write this. Also that answer is everything I’ve ever needed. Now just give me something to dream about.

Message: I didn't even see that, and I am not going there right now.. We will have to wait to see where we're at. The "mmm" playlist is a hot item right now BTW and making my life a living hell.

See you in my dreams for now

____________________________________________________________________

Message: I understand and understood what you meant. Your idea might be better. I teach straight through after this prep. Is there anyway you can create a running message on this page or no?

_________

If you let me “invite you as a contributor” the first fucking time I asked (DAY ONE) and allowed me to show you how to type on my fucking website like I asked, there would be a way. But you are stubborn as hell and I don’t think you are capable of figuring that out without me haha. I can copy-paste your messages in here and bold your ass, if you want. Also, where the hell is Templeton? I thought he was just the rat in Charlotte’s Web.

I really do have a lot to do today so if I am delayed from here, you know why. I think meeting during the day today is out of the question, I am open to this afternoon. Or another day. Thursday or even Friday is best. Keep me posted on that. Or just say something. It’s a safe space. Writing is thoughtful, slow speaking. Plus with all your regrets about what you say, you can think longer so you don’t want to take anything back (eye-roll).

__________

Message: Be nice (and you're not allowed to get mad after reading, nope!). Okay, give me a challenge and type me through how we can do the website bullshit-thingy. If not, the bold process works there SMARTY pants. I like your jokes-Templeton is out there, past Gardner (route 2 W). Yes, meeting today is out of the question. Let's try talking on this.

________

Nope nevermind, not making a video. I was going through the process to show you and realized you’d have to type to me from your phone and you’d need to download the squarespace app (my website host) and that is SUS (suspicious, if youre not down with the lingo). You could type from a desktop computer though as well but that might be weird on a work computer. We could also email back and forth from my new Lorenzo email but then you’d have a lot to delete and it could be shady. You could make your own sketchy email address?

Why don’t you take your time and think about what you want to say. And write it. That way you can’t take it back. Don’t rush. Read it over when you’re done, edit and remove anything you’ll regret saying.

__________

Message: Will do, I have time after school from 2:05-2:30.

Message: One more thing-Don't give up on me

________

This was going to be my response to yesterday’s message but I was sitting with it and going to send it later today and then you reached out this morning. But unlike you I think before I write because my words have meaning I don’t take back:

I hear you, and I appreciate it. I care about you, but I need to be honest about where I am. I need more than what this is right now. I can’t stay in the in-between because instead of building trust, I feel myself slowly losing it, and that isn’t healthy for me. This isn’t about me trying to pressure you. It’s about being honest about what I need and whether that’s something you’re able to give. I understand why you need space, and I respect that. I’m taking space too — not as punishment, but because I need to protect my heart and regain my footing. If I have more to say, I’ll update the page on my own timeline. If you reach out again, it should be because you have real clarity or something meaningful to share — something that actually moves things forward or cuts me loose from whatever this is. I know what it is for me and at this point actions speak louder than words.

Message: Throughout this process, I have always wanted to protect us. I feel like we should've been smarter with communication than we were, mainly because we let our emotions get in the way. I should've been smarter and not called you on my cell phone at work (in hindsight, we should've kept writing, OR I should've got a burner). I regret this because I didn't want to hurt anybody. However, I need you to know that my feelings for you haven't changed. Daily thoughts, always. Maybe pressure was the wrong word, but I still believe I could've and should've communicated more clearly with you about us developing a plan instead of timeline. Does that make sense? At the same time, it is what it is and if anything, it's only made me closer to you in many ways. I know that you're struggling with trust and I understand that. I need you to know that I meant everything I feel, I just messed up how to express it. I have been doing the "behind the scene" work all along.

It's been misery dealing with the conflict with Meg, along with balancing keeping us alive. You keep mentioned Luca as an excuse for moving forward, but I want to be clear, he is not an excuse for me. He is and will always be my number one (same with your kids) and the thought of losing him in terms of not seeing him daily and/or the potentially to another man replacing me someday kills me. Self-reflection, along with your words and support, have helped me enormously with this. It's so hard, but I know I can't allow it to be the obstacle for moving forward with you. I will struggle it, but understand that I can do it. Throughout our talks, I believe in the story of us and our vision and what it looks like (i.e. together, dates).

I said I was going through the motions because I am faking it with her. I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you. I wasn't planning to write this much now, and just wanted to talk about the process part above and save the rest for this afternoon. I guess I will continue on, but might need your help with processing, etc.. I will send this for now because I have to go to lunch duty and don't want to lose it. Write back on your time.

_________

Thank you for writing all of this and for being honest with me. I want you to know that your words really do help because what’s been hardest for me isn’t my feelings for you, it’s living inside so much uncertainty.

So here’s the thing. When you tell me you’re all in, I believe you. And when you later say you regret saying that, I believe that too. That’s where this becomes really hard for me — because it feels like I’m being given something meaningful and then having it taken away. That back-and-forth is what’s killing me. I already told you I am struggling to trust you. You added “making memories of us” and I could have melted into a puddle and was like, “omg he gets it.”. An hour later you removed it and said “bad night” and then shit hit the fan and I lost you for the whole weekend (reasonable as she had just found out).

Then Sunday was a perfect example of you giving and then taking away too. We talked, you said things that mattered and scared me, and then suddenly I was alone again — not knowing when I’d hear from you next, being told it could be weeks, without any clear sense of when or how. That kind of silence after you telling me you asked Meg “what can I do?” and that you going to go to therapy is extremely confusing and incredibly painful for me. It makes me question everything, even when I don’t want to.

When all this started, I was okay with more space and with periods of back-and-forth. But things feel very real for me now. When connection is offered and then pulled back quickly, it affects me more than it used to. That’s not because I’m trying to be difficult — it’s because the stakes feel higher and I am losing trust when I want to be gaining it. I don’t love needing more, and I don’t love asking for it, but it’s where I’m at.

You going to therapy with her is terrifying, especially if I am not getting consistent reassurance and clarity. Therapy itself isn’t what scares me. What scares me is not knowing what you’re choosing, what you’re saying, or where I actually stand while it’s happening. I get that it might be necessary for her and for Luca but is it being done with the end goal of divorce? Or with the end goal of staying together and fighting for your marriage? What does she think the end goal is?

I don’t need perfection. I need consistency. To help us stay alive, I think it would really help to have some structure around communication instead of uncertainty. That could look like one of a few things:
– a brief daily check-in
– a scheduled weekly check-in
– or simply a set day or time when I know I’ll hear from you next

I think that’s why Spotify was working because I could check and know you were thinking of me (or not). But I know that’s more pressure and time on your phone which is bad and not possible now.

I’m not asking you to promise something you can’t sustain. I’m asking you to tell me, honestly, what you can offer right now — knowing what I need and how silence affects me. If you have a different suggestion that feels realistic to you, I’m open to hearing it.

I also need honesty about the practical side. I know what you’re telling me — but I don’t know what you’re telling her. Are you telling her you want to divorce? To separate? To work things out? How long are you planning to be in therapy with her? I don’t need every detail, but I do need enough clarity to understand the direction you’re moving in, because I’m making real decisions in my own life. I’m moving forward, and I need to know whether our paths are actually aligned.

I care about you deeply, and I’m here but I can’t stay in limbo indefinitely. I am not sure how long I can stand on my own through this which is why I have been pushing for acceleration. I understand you may not be able to show up exactly the way I need right now, but I need whatever you can give me, when you can give it to me, and I need to know what that actually looks like.

I appreciate you sharing what you’ve shared so far, and I do want to hear the rest later. Your words matter to me — especially because you don’t offer them easily. Clarity and consistency are what allow me to stay open and grounded here. Without them, I can’t keep showing up in the same way.

Also, did you listen to “Slicked Back” by Zach Bryan yet? ;-)

___________

Message: Hi,
Yes, this makes sense. With the "all in" thing, I was all in, but struggling at the same time, especially with what is currently going on. I hope that makes sense, and I agree that Spotify helped with connection and losing that hurts, but I believe it's the right thing to do for now. Making Memories of Us was and is as real as it gets. I understand. I am on board for a weekly check in using your site at my school. It's the safest bet. I am also fine with you reaching out to me if you really need me there. The weekends will be tough, so let's not plan on that for now.

I told her I think therapy would help us, just to go through the process and helps things become clearer that I don't want to be with her. I don't. I don't even know if I want to go through with that, I am constantly thinking on my next steps. I know I am going to speak to a counselor ASAP for me and help that person give me advice with what to do. I want a separation and need time to do my homework with that, but was derailed this weekend because of what happened. I hope this makes sense. I have to leave work early for a doctor's appointment, so I won't be able to respond until tomorrow. Tomorrow, let's decide on a scheduled day for regular, weekly check-ins. Can you give me a update on we're you're at? How did everything go? or No?

P.S. I listened to it and felt it. The fall lyric, reminds me of us and our first day reuniting. The moment and new memory that I mentioned to you, the one that felt surreal when our eyes met, held, and you standing in the leaves, dancing all around you. I will never forget it. One last crazy thing, the leaf, (as corny as it was to think you put it on my windshield when I was leaving) I kept it and was sad because I lost it (daily pick ups, practices, you know the deal..). Well, I found it today, tucked way under my seat! It's not nearly as nice, but I liked that it was flawed to begin with.. it's in rough shape, but holding up and it's mine again.

__________

Goddamnit, you’re good. Mush again. You little shithead. Do me a favor and put that leaf in between the pages of a thick book to be pressed. It will flatten and preserve it while it dries. Then give it to me next time I see you and I’ll find a way to save it forever. I have ideas.

But SEE? You can do it…express yourself without being a robot and saying meaningless words. I am so proud of you. Look at you growing and being romantic.

Not much of an update here. Everything is okay, I am gathering documents for him and meeting tomorrow. This weekend I have plans to tell him I saw a lawyer and it’s happening for real. I’m not sure when that will happen as Laney has friends coming over Saturday and Sunday we have basketball all day but working through that. If not, then Monday.

I am going to give him some options on how he would like to proceed – ie, living situation, separation vs. divorce, lawyers vs. mediators, telling people, telling kids, what the next few months look like as we separate our finances, maybe him staying here on weekends after he moves out? I can go into more detail on what we decide when that happens. I am scared. Mostly really sad for him.

Hope your doctor’s appointment went well and I like the idea of you seeing a counselor. Good things. Me? I ran 15 miles this week already (6 Sunday, 4 Monday, 5 today) and I basically have a six pack now. Soooo that’s my therapy. I think you’ll like it. I really like to brag about this if you can’t tell.

Also, 11 days into dry January. Turns out no alcohol is really good for your mind. Try it?

Let me know what days are typically your lightest (if that’s a thing) for us to check-in here. How about Wednesdays? You know I love a hump day ;-) And can I get at least two messages on that day? Morning and afternoon?

_________

Message: Good morning,
I already have the leaf in a thick book. That was the plan-haha. I told you I have grown and definitely can be! Thanks for the update, and yes, tough for everybody. You will be going through the hard stuff, it will suck, but you will be okay.
I have been struggling with my health and wellness, but look to improve once I get through this (I know it's not the healthiest). Not trying to be a robot, but I have to make this one short because I'm teaching straight through and then have PD. I am proud of you and here for support. You're amazing! Wednesday is good, and not laughing, just making a face and sighing. You get two messages because you deserve it and so much more!

__________

Okay Wednesdays and holding you to 2 check-ins. More if it’s light and I get lucky maybe or if I am throwing a tantrum and you have to talk me down again. What do I do if I need to get in touch with you outside of that? Do you have still have access to my Spotify? Should I just make a random playlist and say “blogger" and type something here? I realize that if I do this, I will need to understand you may not see it for a day or two or be able to respond right away. I will never message on the weekends, I understand that and I am honestly terrified of her haha. Or maybe I just write here and you check back from time to time.

Also, I do want to see you again so if the opportunity ever presents itself, keep me posted on that. Like if you’re at your moms (and maybe you need to start doing that for space and even just to talk to someone. Does Sean know? I saw him poking around my instagram. If this doesn’t work out, let him know I’ll be single soon and I said heeeeey. Bahaha. God, I just peed a little laughing at myself). But, we don’t need a full day to see each other. An hour would still fill my cup. I can come closer to you. Or maybe we can plan February vacation for the next one like we had originally planned. Hopefully by then there has been some progress on you gaining space and being able to separate for days. I really hope that’s the case…it’s a whole month to move in that direction. Trying so hard not to pressure you…not great at it.

To keep things fun, I have decided that on the morning of each Wednesday, I will have 5 questions for you to answer. They might be serious or random like “what’s your favorite color?” But it will be a nice way for us to stay connected and learn more about each other even though I already know the parts about you that matter most to me.

Also, if you decided you wanted a Burner phone because you can’t stand the thought of not hearing my voice, let me know and I will buy you one and deliver it to you. I may hide it on my body though so you might have to feel around to find it. Might be worth it.

I really really hate when I know this is my last message to you for a full week. I want to cry already. I am really, really bad at this.

Wait fucking one more thing…if you write to me again, there’s a chance I will respond here. You don’t have to see it or respond again until Wednesday but know that I will likely respond in some way if you have time to look but I will not expect things in return until Wednesdays.

Message: Just write here from time to time and I can check. I told Sean that I got in touch with you the first time, that's it. Please don't ever joke like that, not funny! He knows deep down how I feel about you and always has in my opinion. I'll finish writing more when I can…..you wrote more blah blah bleh blah

Got your message. You didn’t like my Sean joke hahaha. I think Sean may have been the one who knew this day would come most of all. I’m obviously kidding by the way, but I may date if you fall behind. Oh, that’ll really send you into a tizzy.

I like that we can talk this week. Now I will be skipping around my house all day. Off to the lawyer in an hour. Currently figuring out what the hell I have in retirement accounts and what all these insurances are, how I can cut my bills, what my debts are, how the fuck I am going to afford health insurance for myself, and this shit is not for the weak. I am convinced I have math/numbers dyslexia. Luckily one of my besties (and wedding partner) is a little genius so she’s got my back and is helping me figure it all out. Delaney is gonna have to cut back on her Starbucks (eye roll – someday—yes yes a loooong time from now psycho— you are going to die over how cool and hilarious she is). Oh and Melissa said “tell him if he breaks your heart or dicks you around, I’ll cut off his dick.” And she doesn’t mess around. So now we are both scared of other women.

Message: I think so too, I will talk to him about it at some point maybe if you're okay with it.. not sure yet, need to think on it. No more jokes, please. I still trust that other than Melissa, you haven't told anybody?

I like that we can talk this week too, because I am not doing well. Good luck with everything, here for you.

Cont..from before: I really like the idea of the questions to reconnect. I do want the burner phone, because I want to hear your voice and have access to you when needed, and greatly appreciate you getting it because she checks on everything I spend on (body search..oh you love your jokes and grinding my gears!). Let's plan a day to see each other when we check in next week or if we feel like we can schedule one earlier today that's fine too. I know you already know this, but you really need to be careful after you talk with him (i.e. P.I., trackers, evidence, etc..). He is going to be angry and come at you. Here for support.

I’m sorry, the only way for me to make this better is to joke. I can stop. You can tell Sean, I trust your judgement on that. Only Melissa knows and now my lawyer knows a bit too.

What’s going on at home? Is she still really upset or starting to calm? Is she pressing you about me or is it now just about separating/therapy/etc?

I will have questions ready for next Wednesday. It’ll be cutie-cute-cute.

I’ll look into the burner phone. I have been stashing cash since the summer from my shoots thinking this day would come (not getting my side piece a burner phone, just needing it for myself without Matt knowing. Damn, a joke again.). I gotchu.

I will be ready and careful with everything, promise.

Message: Okay, thanks!
She has calmed down, but still throws jabs in about you and questions me. She is saying no to us needing help, so whatever, just buys me time. I just called looking at apartments, but not much out there right now. Sounds good! I got you!

I’m backkkkkk. That actually went well and I feel much better. He explained everything really well and is super nice. When I went Monday he was sick, so we chatted very briefly and then set the big talk for today. Do you want to hear the deets? I can’t tell if you’re interested in them or would rather not know haha. Either is fine with me. Maybe you don’t want to know. Maybe it’s better to keep that separate? Regardless, he says the whole process should take 6 months minimum and most likely just over a year…depending on the push back from Matt. He is waiting for my marriage certificate and some financial documents I have to collect (I actually have everything already organized) but am going to chat with Matt first before just like “serving” him, obviously. So for now, he is on-call and ready to file when I give him the green light. Yikes. His fee is 5k (he works with mostly mothers which is nice) and he doesn’t see it costing more than that unless Matt fights me on finances and custody which I don’t think he will. Serendipitously my parents gave me 10k for Christmas so that’s helpful timing. My lawyer says our finances and my willingness to be flexible with custody should work out well in my favor. But it’s $400 an hour after that if so.

Overwhelming but feels good to be making decisions and learning the process. Kinda empowering in a way.

Have a good night, I’ll see you in my dreams. Lastnight was a fun one for me. I think it was your sweet leaf talk that got me riled up. Plus I slept well-ish for the first time in a long time.

Message: I'm glad it went well and in some ways, sure you feel better. It will get tough from here, but you got it. I would rather not know the details, it's separate and private. Have a good rest of the day as well, and night! Oh boy!!

_________

Stones unturned from yesterday.

1. You’re a little shit and definitely get power hungry turning me down. You know what I said yesterday was funny (the trench coat and mmm). I expect more from you. Also I promise when we are listening to that playlist together, it will be the opposite of living hell. hashtag worth it. hashtag mmmm. hashtag I can’t wait until you finally give in and tell me how bad you want it. Might even make you beg. Screenshot was all the proof I needed baby. I know exactly what you did while listening to it. Yes sir I do…and I’m not even blushing. I will delete this and any response you give me meanie.

2. You told me you were holding back to protect us here but WHO is the one protecting us and not letting anyone FIND anything between us? That’s what I thought mister. It’s me. You’ll take everything I got but won’t give me everything you got. Not a fan of that.

My turn to answer:

Three Things I Want in a Partner (and Why)

1. Attention — freely given, not begged for
I want to be chosen out loud and without hesitation. I’ve learned that I need attention because it’s how I feel connected. I want to be touched, I want to hold hands, I want to feel like you are proud to be with me, and most importantly, reached for instinctively. I want to feel seen across a room without having to ask for it. This isn’t about neediness (maybe it a little because I know I am no longer settling with this). it’s about priorities. I don’t want to compete for space in someone’s life or feel like an afterthought. I want someone who makes room for me even when it’s inconvenient, who offers presence without being chased, who makes it clear that I matter in how they act and what they say.

2. Growth — individual and shared
I’m always doing new things and trying to grow as a person. I pick up new interests and chase ideas just to see where they lead. I want a partner who likes that about me and who doesn’t laugh at me or judge me or think I’m weird for deciding tomorrow I might learn to paint or randomly start training for a half marathon (which I am doing by the way and also, I already know how to paint but I tend to try new art things weekly haha). I also want someone who wants more for themselves too. Not perfection, not hustle, but growth. Someone willing to learn, reflect, stretch, and grow. Even if it’s just like getting our boating license (something I have decided I need to do since I am going to be a single woman and need to be able to get to rattlesnake island haha). And most importantly, someone who wants to grow with me. To explore what excites us, learn things together, to build shared interests, to keep choosing new things instead of nothing.

3. Safety — the kind that feels like home
I don’t need chaos or constant excitement. I like quiet. I like boring nights, familiar routines, and the comfort of just being together. I want a partner who feels like home and finds that in me, too. Someone whose presence calms my nervous system, who makes the ordinary feel enough. Home, to me, is safety — consistency, warmth, reliability. Knowing I can exhale. Just being held in a life that feels steady, soft, and shared.

So, 1. you (maybe— you’re halfway there cause you won’t touch me or give me any hope of you ever touching me. But I’ve always found it in your eyes. I cant remember ever being in a room/space with you in it —doesn’t matter how many people were around — and my whole body only ever feeling you and only you looking at me. And you dont even have to be looking at me, its like this energy I feel from you radiating toward me, always). 2. you (hopeful). 3. you (absolutely).

I asked ChatGPT for more questions since I deleted the others. Here are three optiions to choose from to answer today (pick one):

1. What’s one thing you hope a partner understands about you without you having to explain it?

   OR

2. Top five favorite movies.

3. What’s your least favorite thing about yourself (both physically and internally/mentally/personality)

And lastly, is the rule still that we chat today and not again until next fucking Wednesday? Cause I hate that.

Message: Good morning, sunshine!

Since I already visited twice, I like to before teaching. I am on in five minutes and will reply more during my prep in a few hours. I can write a little now though. Please do me a favor and don't get mad, just think on it..I will give you more emotionally, but respectfully not about the other stuff. I need you to understand, and I know it's private but I am not okay with it. You already know how I feel and for now, I need you to be okay with that. You are funny though, got jokes. It has nothing to do about power or lack of feelings for you. Just trust me on this, okay..

For now,

I miss your eyes. I can look directly in them, at them, and away without judgement. It's like we never left, and there's always a connection. It's safe and honest. They're beautiful in so many ways. Feels like home to me.

Yes, to chatting today, but next week let's try for Wednesday.

Hmm first message…wasn’t mad. Was feeling like…ugh, cute, not even mad about it. Respect it. Honestly kinda dig that you’re the only man in the whole entire world who has ever turned me down or won’t entertain my flirty shenanigans. But you’ll also pay for it cause one day I’ll be in charge. I’m gonna have lots of fun with that. Also you’ve always been a prude. I still remember telling Ceire I thought you were gay a few times because I didn’t understand why you were always holding back with me. You’re not gay right? Everything still works down there and stuff? Cause like I can take a preggo belly but I need that to atleast be in working condition.

Second message, I don’t like it. Why aren’t we allowed to talk? So you’re telling me after today I have to wait a whole week?

Also, I like that you said you like my eyes because they are so basic and boring. I don’t think I have ever received a single compliment on them because they are hazel-nothings. So it’s nice that you notice something no one else does instead of my amazing tits. bahahahaha. im peeing a little. what is actually wrong with me?

Message: Stop, I'm not a prude and don't ever say or question that, disrespectful..

Also, we have been talking daily so I'm fine with continuing it. I thought you wanted the Wednesday thing.

Your eyes are amazing, there's nothing boring about them.

More to come later.

Oh, you quit it. Just making sure ;-) Not disrespectful, just making sure my needs will be met. hehehe.

You were the one who said one day a week when I asked daily or weekly, sillypants. And I chose Wednesday as the day of the week to be a stinker.

Oh, quick note. I have been turning this page off at night to be extra safe. Like if you ever checked here on your phone and forgot to delete the history and she somehow figured out how to get on or it was already pulled up. So if you ever come here in the morning and the page isn’t live, just know I haven’t turned it back on yet. I typically turn it on when I get home from the gym around 6:30-6:45am.

Message: I don't know if I can continue the daily thing at work, feel like I'm constantly on it and don't want to get in trouble. I just don't want you to be disappointed if I'm unable to respond daily. I am only on this site at work, so no worries-thanks. I have prep soon so more to come.

Okie doke. You tell me. You don’t have to check here until you have time. I sit here and work and reply when your message comes in.

When I see it come in I think to myself “oh my little cutie is back” or “ohhh my little booboo” bahaha. No like I legit think that in my head. Gross. When did I become such a softie? You don’t need to be so quick. If you can only write once or twice a day, I totally get it and if it’s short and see and you toss in a “youre cute, talk tomorrow” thats good enough in my book. It’s not my fault you can’t resist me and you keep coming back for more.

Message: I'm backkkkkkkk-you are a "softie", but like that you can be "hard" with me and challenge me, and we're good about it. Sounds good about the writing.

Questions:
I hate that I deal with chronic neck and back pain physically and mentally. I like that I am selfless and giving.
I want my partner to know when I need space and not press things then and be okay with that. Also, not hold grudges and move on when needed.

Movies (tough one)
1) A River Runs Through It
2) Warrior
3) Good Will Hunting (I guess I'll keep it up)
4) Out of the Furnance
5) The Departed
IDK.... (sappy ones with you one day)

Extra:
I loved your lake/ocean response. I agree and don't like being around a lot of people at the ocean too. I prefer quieter/private places.

yayayaya hiii.

oh yes I can make it hard for you. hahaha.

I hate that you have that pain too. I am so sorry. I wonder if trying to be more active would help? Like daily stretching and yoga or something along those lines? My dad has has a terrible back for most of his life and he swears by stretching and staying absurdly active. I know it’s so hard to do and push through it at the start but I wonder if it would help in time if you stayed committed to that kind of lifestyle. We will work on that.

That’s funny you said that about a partner and needing space and not pressing things… because my answer would have been the exact same. That is one of my biggest issues in life is sometimes I just need space. Like when I am pissed, I get quiet and know I just need time to digest and calm down and people are always trying to “talk it through” or “rile me up” when I need time to process and understand my emotions. And everything feels like way less of a problem after a few hours. Sleep on it, and it’s a non-issue. So I get that and I love that.

I could work on being softer even though I don’t seem to have that issue with you. My friends tell me I always come off as a bitch because I generally avoid people and conversations so I need to work on trying a little harder to be approachable and softer. Maybe I dont give a fuck at the same time though? I am going to some mingle mixer entrepreneur night tomorrow with some of my girlfriends and my goal is to actually talk and connect and not hang in the corner. What will I do without alcohol? Fuck dry January.

Physically…hmm. I don’t really have any current health issues that affect me right now. I guess I really hate my low butt crack. bahahahahhaha. Does that count? My friends sometimes draw it on. No like seriously, one time we did a “summer camp” for photographers and in my bunk house after many drinks, my friends got out a Sharpe and drew a buttcrack on me. But the perks are i can bend over and never have plumbers crack.

I also really hate aging so there will be much more to hate soon. All my friends do botox and that crap but I hate doctors and appointments.

OH MOVIES!!

Some good choices on your list, not sure I’ve ever seen Out of the Furnance or Warrior. Thinking about mine…

1. Sound of Music

2. Steel Magnolias

3. Forrest Gump

4. Practical Magic

5. Little Women (the original, obviously)

6. When Harry Met Sally

   Also I know for certain I am missing one I will be pissed off I didn’t say. 6. I know. rule breakahhh.

Message: Yeah, the active vs "not pushing too much" is and will be a balance act. Totally on the same page with the "pressing" matter and needing space. Keep writing, I'm here.

Do I push you too much? It’s only because you are a bit of a bore so I like to bring out your spunk.

Message: I can relate and feel like I'm the same socially, I really don't care anymore (it's not good, but baby steps).
No, that does not count, think of something else. Also, you don't need botox, etc.. all natural.
Movies are tough.

Why can’t I say my buttcrack? hahahahah I am laughing out loud right now. How can I pick something else? I am perfect otherwise. I have a body that stays fairly thin even though I eat 5 slices of pizza almost every friday night and it allows me to stay active and healthy. So physically I am quite pleased with myself. I hate my butt. I want a boooooty. Otherwise bod is tea, bro (insert Will’s eye roll). I mean babies maybe fucked me up a bit and I pee my pants when I jump on the trampoline? Is that enough?

Message: No, you don't push me in a bad way, I think you know me and will learn more. You push me in good ways. Nobody is perfect, but you're amazing!
Oh boy!! I guess you can keep buttcrack.
I have prep until 11:15 so keep writing

yay. I’ll let you draw one on someday soon if you’re jealous. did you like my bod is tea comment?

I’m glad I don’t push you in a bad way. So why do you think I won’t like you? Because you are sad and tired a lot? You seem so concerned that you aren't good enough for me and I hate that. It scares me. Not because I think you’re right but because I don’t want you to come up with reasons for this not to work out.

I like when you say “oh boy” it’s so nerdy. You’re kinda a nerd, Will. Why is it adorable?

Also I realize you are probably unable to write again after this and that’s fine. Here if you have time, understand if you don’t. Any songs I should listen to?

I found this song “pancakes for dinner” by Lizzy McAlpine. It’s kinda terrible but it’s also so cute and makes me think of you. Give it a listen. Oh and “Getting You Home” but I think that was on the playlist that shall not be named because you are so serious (said in a making-fun-of-you dad-voice).

Message: I missed that one, I keep rereading and finding more and more. Constant head shakes. Just being honest and don't want you doubt your choice. No, it's not a reason for not trying. I just want to talk to you and be free, we're doing the work.

Bad head shakes? Or silly? Tell me more about your struggles…like how do we get you out of this funk? Do you think its a lot to do with your life and marriage and the fact that youre just not happy in your day-to day? Would having a person you love, can talk to, be open with help? Like would I make a difference for you, you think? Do you feel happier when we are talking or together? Hopeful?

Message: Silly... I am working on my back, seeing the specialist again in Feb. I have chronic myofascia neck and back pain (it's incurable and inoperable-only managed). I managed it by stretching, foam rolling, safe pain med, etc.. I have tried everything (chiro, acu, trigger point, PT several times, etc..). I also have a herniated disk in my thoracic area that is inoperable. I have arthritis in my neck and back and a little scoliosis too.

Mentally, you know what's going on. Yes, I think you would make a big difference, as well am me doing the work to improve some of the areas we talked about. Sorry, bell just rang. Looking forward to reading.

Message: I am not a nerd. I will look into the pancake song, and yes, the other one was on the playlist. I can keep writing.

Oh my gosh you are the biggest nerd. The fact that you said you aren’t a nerd makes you even nerdier. hahaha.

I am going to be googling all of your shit. I hate this for you. So are you just uncomfortable all the time? That’s so hard. Ugh. Maybe Luca shouldn’t play hockey. Yikes.

What did you mean when you said “you want to talk and be free” — you mean, like just express your fears? Yea, I get that. I think we are both kinda obsessed with each other and both think the other KNOWS it but I think we both need to constantly reassure each other. Do you feel that? Like every time you need reassurance I am like WAIT WHAT? How do you not feel this and just KNOW? But then I know how I feel and I am legit constantly terrified you couldn’t possibly feel as strongly as I do and I am always afraid of making you think I am nuts-o.

Message: I don't like nerds.

Oh my little sensitive baby, I’m sowwy, I won’t call you a nerd anymore.

Message: Please don't do the "sowwy" crap.
Oh boy. Okay, I have to go teach and you have to work. Talk more tomorrow!

Ohhhh someone got a little feisty. Okay but this isn’t allowed just so you know. You can’t end a day in mean-mode. That’s the key to success kid. “Never go to bed without a goodnight kiss.” That’s what my aunt told me is the key to a happy relationship for the rest of your life. A kiss and never going to bed angry…. no matter what. Personally, I dont know what the hell that would be like but it’s what I want. Cause that bitch loved her man. So get your shit together and end the day on a happy note. Fucker. I mean, cutie.

Message: I agree, it's what I would want too. Okay, I'll think of something and let you know before I leave!!

Okay, hmm something nice? I know you don’t like when I go here..but I really can’t wait to kiss you. Even just the teeniest little peck. I am not even talking make-out-sesh so don’t get all discombobulated. I am talking a sweet little kiss. Ugh, that’s what I am going to hold onto for the rest of today. That last first kiss with you.

Message: I feel it and understand.

Something nice to end the day...I know we probably sound like broken records, but I'm holding onto our bond. I can't explain it in words, but it's a feeling I've never felt before. Even through your words, it helps me carry on. It's special, rare, and I appreciate it. Have a good rest of the day. Until tomorrow...

__________________

I’m a terrible person and last night was the worst. Struggling a bit. Mostly just in the way that he’s struggling really really bad and I just feel like ice. Like I haven’t even shed a tear. Looked him in the eyes and just felt…nothing. Does that make me a terrible person? I wish I could hug you. Could really use a reminder this morning that being numb and unhappy and not in love for the rest of my life is not what’s right. And not what I want. People need to choose happiness for themselves, right?

Here’s what I wrote lastnight to you before shit hit the fan and I was still in a good mood:

Cutie-cutie-bow-bootie. Want to read your 2026 horoscope? Too bad, here it is:

LEO “2026 will be key for you for many years to come. You’re turning your fire inwards, shining a torch into the cave of your soul, discovering many hidden treasures. You’re breaking away from rigidity and control, learning how to bend, as you see through your own limitations and make courageous choices for your future. You’re being initiated into self-mastery, spiraling upwards in new directions, stretching yourself in unimaginable ways. Your heart will lead the way as you learn that the love you carry with you is what matters most of all.”

And mine:

LIBRA “2026 is opening a portal for you. You’re moving out of self-imprisoning behaviors and patterns and are changing the rules learning what true connection means. You can’t tolerate a certain lifestyle anymore and will be creating a safe space for yourself that finally feels right. You’re not licking your wounds any longer; instead, you’re owning them, honoring them, finding your power through them. Your relationships bring the most important lessons for you this year as you realize that what you see in others is an echo of what lives within you.”

I am REALLY into astrology and horoscopes right now.  Can’t tell me this shit doesn’t hit. hehehehe. STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES.

Message: I started teaching new classes but just wanted to write quick that I'm in the same space as you. It is normal and I'm here for you.

Message: Also, I am not big into astrology, but yes, those are pretty accurate.

I figured you weren’t into astrology. Most men aren’t. I’ll teach you some things along the way.

Ohhh I bet new classes suck. No pressure to write to me today. I get it and I don’t want to be a distraction. I’m sad. Makes me feel a little better that you are feeling the same as me. I kinda wish he was still mad and angry and feeling the way I was feeling because that would be easier than this. Like part of me wishes he just hated me, ya know? Or thought I was cheating on him like Meg? If he was mad and we could fight…it would almost be easier. He’s just….devastated (like I didn’t already give him 20 years to make it better). I keep trying to convince myself that what I am doing is wrong and I need to just figure out how to be okay with mediocre and an okay-ish marriage. But the fact that I am not even a little bit sad over ending things just confirms that it’s the right thing to do, ya know? Like I know what I want but I feel so bad for choosing myself.

I also feel like everything happens for a reason, ya know? Like I know if you didn’t come back in my life I’m not sure I wouldn’t be strong enough to keep pushing forward and choosing myself. I’d convince myself (like I have for 20 years) that this is normal and it’s okay for things to be shitty (that it’s just life for everyone). I would convince myself that love fades and you just have to be cool with whatever you got left and make the best of all the crap. But love doesn’t fade. Not if it’s real. Now I know the truth. And I am braver now – with you.

Message: Yeah, new classes right now sucks. I'm so burnt out. I feel for you. I am sad and down as well. She is angry, guilting me, shaming me, and pressing me constantly. I go home, take care of my responsibilities, go through the motions, and go to bed at like 8-8:30 to avoid her. What's helped me (and hope it helps you too) a little are these questions?
1) Have things improved in ten years? No
2) Have you been happy/fulfilled in ten years? No
3) Is it healthy to stay for Luca? No
4) Am I truly living or slowly dying? Slowly dying
I have gained more clarity daily.

It is real and I feel the same. We're going through the same thing but in different situations/ways. You are doing this for you and knew it all along. If anything, you helped me so much by awakening a lot of root issues for me.

Stay strong
One day..

Message: You're not a terrible person BTW-you're just being honesty and honesty kills someone you love/ed. Virtual hug!

This is a process and not even the start... Things will get harder, it will be hell, but will be okay/fine afterwards.

Hi cute sorry no response had to get out of the house. Went to target. Bought new underwear because that’s sometimes just what you need to feel better about your life bahahaha — responding for real when I’m home in 20.

You have no idea how much that helps…even just you reassuring me makes me feel better about us too…

1) Have things improved in twenty years? Not even once until the past month with more effort but it’s just too much, too late.
2) Have you been happy/fulfilled in twenty years? I can’t remember ever feeling like it was enough. I like to think it was at some point maybe but I don’t think it ever came from him but rather my kids and life and myself.
3) Is it healthy to stay? I wouldn’t want my kids to stay in a marriage they didnt want to be in. So why would I want that for myself?
4) Am I truly living or slowly dying? Dying…

Thank you so much. I wish I could keep you in my pocket. Things will absolutely only get harder.

But yes, I am being honest and I was so blunt lastnight. Like the worst version of myself in the way I just said exactly how I felt with complete disregard for how it made him feel or his reactions because I needed so badly to get it off my chest and have him really know there was nothing left to save. I feel terrible but I also know he deserves the truth so he can start planning. So the next few days, we are time-lining and working through the plan.

You are good to/for me, thank you. Also, dry January shit the bed lastnight and I’m going out tonight to fucking “mingle” so you bet your ass that ship has sailed. Atleast I have new underwear. bahaha. Silver linings baby! Meet me in Wellesley tonight? I know you won’t but would I even be me if I didn’t ask?

Write me atleast once more if you can today. I need ya.

———

Good morning handsome. Hope your night was okay. Mine was full of mostly women who were inspiring, supportive, well spoken and made me realize I will be a-okay if I stay true to myself and keep pushing forward. We can do hard things.

Tell me something sweet.

Also I had a dream last night that you texted me “babeeeeeeee” and it was because you had your own phone plan and it was the best day of my life. 🤣 the little things I guess!

Message: Good morning and glad you had a good night.

I'm just dealing with a lot from her in regards to not stepping up and fighting for family. Not looking forward to the storm and being trapped inside. We can do hard things. You're sweet!

Ugh I was thinking the same about the storm. Looks like no school on Monday which is another long weekend I am not looking forward to. Going to be rough around here. He basically told me No yesterday. Like it wasn’t my choice and now we are having another conversation today. This is exactly what my lawyer was preparing me for and why he said that it’s important to have representation even if you think you can do things peacefully. The reality is if one person is saying no and delaying the inevitable, the process needs to be organized and formal. We will see.

How are you feeling? Are you having any doubts? About me? About her? What are you saying to her? Does she want to do therapy now? Do you want to do therapy? Have you talked about timeline or the plan or anything like that? Fill me in.

Message: Yes, I read up on that too, and I think you knew you'd would be in this situation, right? That's why you did the work before. I am having doubts only because of Luca, but know what I need to do and that's helping me. I am going to talk to somebody on Tuesday. I told her we should both try to talk to somebody, and she said she'd be willing to, but I don't really want to. We haven't talked about a plan or timeline yet, I've been scouting places for me. Are you having doubts? You can tell me anything.

I love that I can tell you anything, thank you. I kinda wish I was having doubts. It’s almost like I am trying to convince myself to have doubts but every time I think through things I end up in the same place: this is the right decision for me. I know it’s going to be hard for the kids and I don’t want that at all but I know everyone will get through it. Worser things could happen. They will see the better, happier, more motivated version of me at the end of this. The best version of me. Like you said, busy living or busy dying? I want to be busy living.

Some of my fears/grudges/questions I am holding onto with you (and I know you said you hate grudges so I am putting them out there so I can let go of them, hopefully)

1. Do you regret calling me? Do you understand why you called me yet?

2. Did you WANT this? Like when you called you kept saying “I’m not trying to be disrespectful” but was part of you hoping this was going to play out in this way….somehow? I mean you even initiated our first few meetings. So, is this what you thought would happen? Did you want this/me? Or has this spiraled out of control to the point of regret for you?

3. I am still replaying the day after she found out and you saying to me “I shouldn't have called you…I just changed meds…I can’t do this” and tried to blame all of this on that and your meds and mental state. That was really scary for me because it felt like maybe you were doubting our connection and saying that you wouldn’t feel this way about me if it weren’t for the change of meds. Do you still feel that way? Why did you come at me so harshly? I know you were overwhelmed in that but it felt like you regretted everything and I was so…shocked and confused. I felt very alone. Does any part of you think you are not mentally capable of making this decision and actually seeing clearly?

4. I know you keep saying “do it for yourself” and I know that’s the reality of this. It has to be for ourselves first but you are the driving force for me still because I know I wouldn’t be brave enough without you. It would still be what is best for me and ultimately what I want, but you are my end goal here. And you woke me up to the possibility of something more. So, I still feel very strongly that if I don’t have you at the end of this, I don’t want it.

5. Are you able to picture our future? Or are you still struggling to see what that would look like?

6. You mentioned you hate the idea of being replaced. Are you okay with seeing Meg with another man? Like would you be jealous of that? Or do you simply mean Luca having another “father-figure”?

7. Are you able to get past the doubts you have because of Luca? You keep coming back to this and it’s scary. Because if any part of you wants to stop talking then I would rather do it now than later.

8. I don’t like that you are still saying you are having doubts and then the next second telling me why I shouldn’t doubt things for myself. Your indecisiveness scares me. Again, if you are still having doubts, maybe we need to just…stop.

Continuing on with this (and I mean us) is not something I want to do if you can see yourself changing your mind or delaying this for years.

Message: Prep next and I'll have time to answer

Shoot me straight here kid, I deserve it. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Added one other question.

Message: I don't regret calling you. I believe I called you for a reason. I was depressed, but that wasn't the reason I called. I thought about you for years regularly, in dreams, and seeing you on social media. I missed you, your voice, and wanted to catch up. I don't regret that, if anything, it made us closer. I apologize for doubting it and those comments I made. I also agree with you that we're doing it for ourselves, but we're the driving force behind it. However, I do think it's normal for us to feel some doubt, this will be the biggest decision of our lives,

I can picture our future someday. It will be like how you described it, a lot of conversations, "dates", a fresh start. Our connection is real and forever (even though it's scary to say, we might not work out when/if we try it, but I'm hopeful). I honestly wouldn't have any regrets for trying, because in reality, it sounds like our marriages have run it's course for years and we're just going through the motions for the kids and it's easier to stay in it.
If shit hit the fan, I can honestly say at that point, worse case scenario, you'd still forever be my friend, even though we wanted more. Our connection is a part of us no matter what. Does that make sense?
BTW, I liked your dream and would love calling you that someday..

If you have time to answer some of the other questions, that would be good but I understand if you don’t.

Maybe these ones need more:

1. You mentioned you hate the idea of being replaced. Are you okay with seeing Meg with another man? Like would you be jealous of that? Or do you simply mean Luca having another “father-figure”?

2. Are you able to get past the doubts you have because of Luca? You keep coming back to this and it’s scary. Because if any part of you wants to stop talking then I would rather do it now than later.

3. I don’t like that you are still saying you are having doubts and then the next second telling me why I shouldn’t doubt things for myself. Your indecisiveness scares me. Again, if you are still having doubts, maybe we need to just…stop.

4. Does any part of you want to stop talking to me?

Also, I do agree that there is a chance we try and this doesn’t work but it would be worth a shot.

————

1) I am okay with whatever Meg does. I would struggle with a replacement for Luca, but would always know that I'm his dad and that would never change. I would continue to be the best dad for him and that would never stop. Still a family unit for him.

2) I know I don't want to stop talking to you, but understand that we would need to just "stop" if we both are having doubts or start to have more doubt.

——

I want to be really clear, because I’m starting to feel confused by the pattern here. You keep asking how I feel and bringing up doubts, but I’ve been consistent and honest with you every time: I don’t have doubts. I’ve said that plainly, even when it would be easier if I did.

So when you say things like “maybe we should stop if we’re both having doubts,” it doesn’t actually reflect what I’ve told you. That’s your doubt, not mine. And if you don’t want to continue this, I need you to say that directly instead of placing it on both of us.

I’m not willing to be in something where I feel like an option or like I need to prove my worth. I don’t. I know what I bring, and I know how I show up. I’m choosing you—but I won’t keep choosing someone who meets that with hesitation, uncertainty, or mixed signals.

I understand that there are real fears and complications here, especially around leaving Luca. I’m not dismissing that. But what I won’t accept is being strung along while those doubts get projected onto me. That doesn’t feel fair, and it doesn’t feel aligned with how I deserve to be treated.

So I need the question turned back to where it belongs: what do you want? How do you feel? Earlier you said “if this doesn’t work out” and that you are “hopeful” but that feels opposite of what you say other times when you seem so sure about us. Figure it out, man. Because I’ve been clear. And if continuing this means I’m constantly met with doubt or made to feel like I’m not enough, then that’s not something I’m willing to keep doing.

Message: I understand and you're right. I see this and I'll write back when I can.

What do I want?
I want us. I am being guilted because Luca is struggling at a new school, will be dealing with a best friend coming off radiation, and juggling two sports. I know you are going through many things too, so I'm not trying to compare. I am just trying to manage and survive right now. I am emotionally and physically detached from her and have been since we talked.

Please don’t leave for the day. I need to resolve this.

Okay:

I hear what you’re saying, and I understand that you’re under a lot right now. I get it. I have it x 4. College, drivers license, serious boyfriends, Luke switching schools, IEP meetings, bullshit and bullshit and bullshit are a few of the things that are HEAVY over here. Between everyone I am juggling 6 activities/sports total. And I coach and I run like 4 businesses currently. So yea…I fucking get it. But I am making decisions and I stand by them.

But I need to be honest. What I’m experiencing is you circling your feelings without taking responsibility for a clear decision — and that’s not something I am comfortable with. You said I could trust you and the further this goes, the less that feels true.

When you said “maybe you don’t want to be with someone like me,” I didn’t react in the moment, but I’ve thought about it since. I’m not available for confusion or emotional whiplash. I don’t want to be an option, and I don’t stay where someone isn’t sure about me after I’ve been clear how I feel. I can’t ride this rollercoaster you are taking me on.

I want someone who can meet me with clarity and intention. What happens next depends on whether that’s something you’re actually ready for — now, not eventually. Cause whether you want to believe it or not: we are already in this. “Us” has started. We might not be physically “together” but we are together in our own way right now. But you are absolutely right, we are in the middle of the biggest decisions of our lives and we are either doing it hand-in-hand as a team or we aren’t. You need to decide.

Message: I know, you're right. Can I take the weekend to survive and think?

You do you. Have a good one.

MOST RECENT:

Good morning! Not sure if you’ll see this. Today is Monday :-)

Trying to decide if we should start our conversations now or wait until Thursday/Friday as planned?

Message: Wow, I am here and was just going to ask you the same and if we could break out Feb. 12 date for a few issues...? I think I have my answer. I have been thinking of you daily. Do you want to start and give me an update, and I can read while teaching (i.e. showing movie) and then respond later? Hi, by the way!!!

Ooops I am so sorry if I missed your window! I didn't think you’d see this so I was in the zoooooone working. I’m basically in the middle of the best morning ever— working by the fire, criss-cross-applesauce with my coffee.

What issues? Where are you at? What are you thinking? How are you doing? What’s going onnnn? You THINK you have an answer (eyeroll haha). You can keep refreshing…I am deciding what kind of update I am willing to give you so I am sitting on that and maybe writing more (maybe not). Scratch that….you go first, kid.

Message: Sorry, I meant "I think I have my answer" that you want to break our "silence" until Feb. 12th. Sorry for any confusion. I can maybe write a few things in 5 minutes.

What a ding-dong. No rush honestly. Just figured maybe we would have things to work through before vacation week and you being unable to chat again so we may need a few days. It’s been….interesting over here. I think hearing from you could give me some clarity.

Message: Yup. Update...
I have told her we need to go to a marriage counselor and I am in the process of locking down an appointment for this week. I told her how I felt and told her I that we should seperate and/or get a divorce. She thinks we can work on the major issues, but I don't, so I told her we need someone to help us get to the root issues. I am just going to go through the process to better myself, and hope the counselor opens her up to her control issues. She has been trying to "guilt me" during this stretch, but also trying to be intentional about loving me. I have been scouting out apartments.

I have been getting counseling for myself and had a couple sessions. I told my therapist all about the situation, and the advice she gave me was to take care of myself (hobby, self-care) throughout being home. She also told me that it was good that we took a break from emailing to process and to not rush my decision with you. She told me to focus on making the decision to separate, divorce, legal process/procedures, etc..

I have also been getting support from my uncle, he knows everything and had experienced a divorce and similar situation. He is a vault and I have complete trust in him. He lives in South Carolina. His advice was similar to my therapist and he said that I need to focus on the marriage issues first in order to be together afterwards with you.

I am not telling you this to scare you. My feelings for you are the same, always there and I've missed talking to you. I've been wondering about you. I know we can't be together until divorces are finalized, but I believe we could have a relationship that we talked about (i.e. daily talking, messaging, support, meeting up). You are my peace.

I do want to meet up with you to talk through everything, maybe sneak out one day this week, but the weather sucks as you know. Or, I have a lot of doctor appointments during the week of school break and could try to do one then.
I'm looking forward to where you're at and how you feel.

––––––––––––

First of all, I am so proud of you. I feel like you not only just shared your truth very honestly but also seem to be doing all the right things. I cannot agree more with your therapist and uncle as far as you needing to work on yourself and your marriage/divorce/separation. I am the biggest believer in hobbies and self care which is why I have literally been pushing my agenda on you to do so. Still think running is the best of the best. I cannot tell you what is has done for my mind. I am seriously a whole different person than I was before I started running. I mean, don’t get me wrong…it’s terrible at first but now it is literally my therapy. I ran 9 fucking miles yesterday. NINE. You want to go through hell and back? That’s it. But man do I have time to think.

With Matt? We have done two therapy sessions together. He’s done his own therapy a few times a week since as well. We have also done endless date nights and had more conversations than we have ever had in our whole entire lives.

If I am being as honest as you were (with me)….I am having my doubts now. Mostly because I thought you were going to say we can’t continue talking and I was starting to feel at peace with learning how to live without you again. I mean, don’t get me wrong…it’s not what I wanted but as I told you three weeks or so ago….I am done trying to convince anyone of my worth. Or of anything really. I am fucking done with that shit. I can’t do it anymore. Unless I am chosen and fought for every single day….I don’t want it. I love myself too much at this point in my life.

So….while we haven’t been talking I have been giving Matt a chance. Like a real chance. I have been trying not to think of you and be present in the moment with him and understand that maybe you are a dopamine rush for me and someone who (as you even said once), I never felt like I could fully “get” or resolve my issues with and so maybe my whole body wants you more than I should? Now I am not saying this to scare you either…I am being honest in that, if you came to me right now, grabbed my hand and asked me to choose you, I probably would but my doubts come from you. My lack of trust in you. Your eagerness to tell me you are not what I want or need. The way you take me on these fucking wild rollercoaster rides where I am so confused. I have never had someone bring me so high just to drop me down in seconds flat. You’re scary in so many ways.

I am up to meet you whenever – this week or next – I think I need to see you again honestly as I have definitely come down from this “high” and I am thinking more clearly.

My lawyer is still on the back burner. He knows I wish to proceed and is waiting for the word but Matt has decided to give me control of basically everything in his efforts to save this and I am taking over our finances and separating things out, budgeting etc. He doesn’t know if it’s because I plan to stay or go at this point and he doesn’t seem to care. He’s juust happy I have given him the opportunity to try….He basically admitted to everything. Said he’s been a terrible husband our entire marriage and wants to spend the rest of his life treating me as good as II treated him for the last twenty. I am basically walking around like a queen. I told him I am not sure he can keep up the charade and that it’s all exhausting and I’m not in love with him anymore but he is hell bent on making me “fall back in love” with him.

If you are sad or scared or anything from this honesty just know that I listen to our songs every single day still. Have to quite literally shake my head to get your smile out of my mind. Have had more than a few thrilling dreams. And think of your hands when he’s trying to hold mine.

That’s all I got.

Message: Thanks for being honest and real. This is good for us and it's okay to feel scared, either way, we need to go through this. I have been listening to songs daily as well, but more difficult on Youtube with ads, since Spotify has been deleted for now. I think we're going through similar situations with our spouses (not trying to compare, but good to hear common behaviors. Meg is giving her best effort too, but I'm questioning why it took 10 years.. It should've have and it shouldn't have come to this, and I will continue pressing this in counseling.

I still think of you all the time. It's tough knowing that you are peace and real connection.

I keep saying the same thing, “it took you twenty fucking years to see that I am a hot piece of ass who makes a lot of money, takes care of everyone and everything and deserves someone who sees that and acknowledges it?” So yea…thats the constant topic of conversation.

I am glad Meg sees what she has…you deserve to be seen.

So I guess you tell me what you want the next step to be. I am open to whatever.

Message: I just want to see you and talk through everything.

Tell me when and where and I am there. You know this all too well, kid.

Message: I'm thinking of taking Friday off. Does that work?

It would indeed work for me. If you want to be indoors, I could rent a sketchy vrbo for $93 bucks in Framingham. Oh wait there are also hotel rooms for cheaper…I know that sounds so fucking sketchy and we both hate it though. But I’m happy to do it. Or what about like a public library and we can go hang in one of the random quiet sections no one is at? Off the top of my head, Framingham State University Library or campus in general could work and I kinda know some places though parking could get iffy? (I googled what was in between us). Also happy to just sit in my car or go wherever. Any other ideas?

Message: I was thinking maybe Westborough, Southborough, or Hopkinton public library? I will continue to look into more and keep you posted. What time works for you? I'm not against Framingham idea, but would need to get some cash. I don't want to do the other ideas. If you feel good about Framingham, I would too, don't really know or think I'd see anybody there. I want you to feel safe though.

Hmmmm I think I am okay with any of those. Hopkinton is a little close to some family that I’d probably never see there but would make me worried. Westborough, Southborough or Framingham are all good for me. I have cash so don’t sweat that. Promise it’s all good. You tell me. I’m happy to spend the money for a room in one of those towns or meet you at a library. Think on it and let know in the next few days.

Meanwhile I’m here if you have anything to say or ask or whatever until then.

Message: Okay, I'm leaning towards maybe Framingham St. library (I trust you know some quiet spaces). I might not be able to take a day off before vacation contractually, if not, would Thursday work? Thanks, I'm here for you as well.

Yes, Thursday works just as easy for me. English major here, many nights were spent in that library. Gotta be honest..I have had some fantasies regarding libraries (it’s a nerdy-reader-girl-thing, I swear). Bahaha I can’t not laugh at this. This is too good.

Message: Okay, I'll keep you posted. Ditto to that. why does talking to you feel so good?

Did you just “Ditto” me? I don’t remember why I hate that but I remember I’m supposed to hate that.

Message: Yeah, you like it, but you dislike it because in the past I wouldn't communicate enough.

…have typed and erased WAY too many things here. behaving myself. talk tomorrow.

Message: Sounds good

__________

Tuesday

Okay so now the question is: should I dress like a sexy librarian or a gym mom who leaves nothing to the imagination to show what you are missing out on? Decisions, decisions…

Message: I guess you have a tough choice to make.

Of all the ways I imagined you’d respond, THAT was not it. bahahha. Just chipping away at you boo, chippin’ awayyyy.

Message: On a serious note, how are you?

Oh you know, just fine and dandy. Work is good. Kids are turning even numbers (12, 14, 16 and 20). Wild.

How are you? I was going to ask, what hobbies and self care are you considering or up to? You know I am going to keep you accountable.

Message: That's good. Work sucks on my end, I look daily for other state jobs-nothing. That's crazy, you're an old, amazing mother. I am okay, I haven't been doing enough in terms of self-care, other than stretching. I need to get back into working out. I am also exploring other things to do too. I like it.

I am sorry that is so tough. I am sure something will come up if you keep your eyes and options open. In a few days, the year of the snake is over. That was 2025 and it was characterized by introspection and shedding old, limiting patterns. On February 17th, the year of the horse begins baby and it’s gonna be one for the books. It’s a great time to manifest what you want for your future and continue to shed what doesn’t serve you. The year of the fire horse is all about fast paced energy and action. Look it up. Shits legit. Energy doesn’t lie.

Yes yes start getting to into working out. I think that would be so good for you. Though you keep saying it and not doing it. What about waking up 30 minutes earlier each morning to start? Starting is the hardest par (especially when you have a partner who could be judging it instead of cheering you on)…but I know you can do it and I know it would make you feel better. I am looking forward to hiking this spring. I’ve decided it’s going to be my next hobby haha. Also, did I tell you Laney and I are doing our first half marathon on March 1st? My ankle is killing from our training but my waist is slayinggggg. hashtag worth it. hashtag hot librarian.

Message: You are nuts. Yes, I need to start with action, and proud of you for starting or restarting hiking.

You know what’s nuts? People who don’t believe in manifestation and energy. Guess how I got everything I ever wanted? Manifested it and then woke up every single day repeating to myself that I am capable of achieving and doing those things. And then I did them. No excuses. Just action. Every single day until they were mine.

Wanted to be a runner. Guess what? I’m a runner.

Message: That's awesome with the half marathon, don't overdo it and make sure you periodize your training. You are fine, stop worrying so much about your waist. I guess you decided on the attire, eyyyyy?

Don’t be a tease. Maybe flirt is the better word? Stay in your lane.

Also, I am all about the training..it’s been good. My girl is waking up at 5:30 everyday before school to come run with me. We did 5 miles today. I am so proud of her, I would have NEVER done that in high school.

Message: I am proud of you and you're right. I'm not, you keep bringing it up.

Oh yea, I can DEFINITELY bring it UP.

wink wink bahahaha.

Message: You should be very proud of her. Hard work will pay off. I am ignoring you.

I will keep you posted on TH or F.

Just slipping thoughts into your head for rumination. Yes yes keep me posted.

Message: You never answered me yesterday, why does it feel so good talking to you?

That, my friend, is a question you have to ask (and answer) yourself… and then you deal with the actions and repercussions which come along with the answer.

Also, I’ve been meaning to ask, has Meg given up on pushing you about me? Like does she believe it was just a few phone conversations now? If not, I can’t imagine someone wanting to stay with someone who they thought slept with someone else. So she wants to make it work despite it all?

Message: Did you receive it?

Grrrrrrrr...
She wants to do the work, but then will almost bring it up daily, like today... For example, from her, sometimes can't reconcile the man you've been the last thee months-secrets, lies, the deception, plotting-with the man I've known for 13 years. I still have a bad feeling you are trying to screw me and that you're secretly plotting your escape.

Like how could you live two lives for months?

Message: I own what I did and would do it again. I do wish I was smarter and never called you again at work but had to call you on my cell (i.e. in hindsight, wish I got a burner). I don't regret it though, it happened for a reason. For both of us to work on our shit.

The playlist was stupid, and I accidently took a picture while driving trying to listen to our songs daily. That one sucks.

Message: I have lunch now and can talk a lot-BTW

Hi sorry I am in and out today.

I saw all your messages. Interesting about her and what you say. I’m still confused by you (I think you’re confused by you too). In one breath you tell me you said you want to separate and you’ll do therapy to work on yourself but you still plan to leave…and in the next you say she says “I feel like you are plotting your escape”….isnt that what you told her you were doing? Still don’t think you’re being honest with her and yourself. Or me for that matter. Matt knows I am plotting my escape. My messaging is clear and loud. The question now is can he stop me or make me reconsider? He would never say “I feel like you are plotting your escape” he would say “I KNOW you are” type thing. Anyway, we can talk about this more when we are together but I’m frustrated. Annoyed. You’re definitely the crazy one between us that’s what I know for sure.

Also I call bullshit on the screenshot. You didn’t want to lose it and you wanted it for the bathroom. You are nothing if not a fucking male.

Why does it feel so good to talk to me? You fucking know why.

won’t be able to respond again for 30 mins fyi. That was a quick and pissy response so sorry you get what you get when I’m on the move and responding with some boss bitch attitude. Take it or leave it.

Message: Yeah, I told her that and everything. She thinks we can make it work and I can fall back in love with her. I have been plotting my escape and planning. That's why I want to go to therapy so a counselor can get through to her. I'm done trying.

Yes, let's talk more on it. I'm not the crazy one, I am just as frustrated and annoyed too. You and your bullshit zodiacs (haha), I still like you.

I'm being honest. I don't need a screenshot for that. It's permanent in my brain.

You are nothing but a giant MIND FUCK. Lucky for you, I love a good fuck. (covering my mouth, widening my eyes, can’t believe I wrote that).

But also, goddamn I make a hell of a mistress, don’t I? Is this my greatest roll yet or what? Was born for it. Deserve a standing-O, honestly. And other Os.

Message: You can add a third option as dressing like a boss bitch. Oh, laugh! Look how the tides have turned.

Message: STOPPPPPPPPPPP!
I thought I was on a roll with my jokes today, but got nothing. I get called out all the time by you for being SERIOUS, but never FUNNY!

Do you want to just talk in person or keep this exchange going? I don't want to waste your time and know you're busy.

You honestly will never top what I just wrote. I bet your mouth dropped. I will say though, I have been truly impressed with your flirting and jokes today. Like superb effort. Diggin’ it big time. So keep it up buddy.

I am down to keep chatting this week but also up for whatever. I have more to say to your above comments now that I am home and adjusted…but had to get out that last line and see how you reacted first. I can write more in a bit or hold my tongue until later in the week if you’d prefer.

Message: Keep writing, I can deal with anything you say.

Okay let’s see. My first reaction was anger when I was reading everything above because I do not feel like you are telling me the whole truth. You can say it all you want but the way she responds to you or the way you tell me she responds to you does not match what you are telling her (or what you claim to be saying to her).

If I thought for a single second my husband was living a secret life and was lying and cheating for the past 3 months, you bet your ass he would be out on the street. I wouldn’t be “intentionally loving him,” trying to prove myself or convincing him to fall back in love with me. It would be over. And if she is still saying things like she wants to work on it and go to therapy, fix the issues, and you are agreeing to work on it and go to therapy, then you are, in fact, speaking from both sides of your mouth and giving her false hope. Now, with all that said, maybe thats actually what you want and you aren’t sure you want to leave her…which would make more sense and be more aligned with why she is okay with any of this and wanting to make things work. I think you are telling her that you can try to fix things. That’s what I think. And that’s fine too. I’m just saying your story isn’t adding up for me. But in reality, it’s honestly none of my business because I am not making this just about you and and me anymore.

I wanted to give you space the past three weeks for you to gain some clarity and make some moves/decisions. I wanted to see if you had the balls to take any ACTION. You didn’t get into therapy with her during that time, you did not make any progress in separating, and you didn’t make any steps toward moving out. All that is fine and dandy if you didn’t want to make any progress in those areas but it seems to me that you are at a stand-still and she’s hopeful. And honestly? You’ve been at a stand-still since we started talking in October which is why I started pushing to begin with. You don’t know what you want. I get it…I don’t anymore either. I know I don’t want a man who can’t make up his damn mind. That much I know.

I am not saying any of this to push you, I am speaking facts and the reality for me is that… I am back-tracking. Listen, I really like you. I can flirt for days and live this little life with you because at this point, if my husband found out, I’d tell him to fuck off and I can do what I please. He’d be scared and agree. I am speaking nothing but truths to him. I am not making up any of my story for you or for him. In fact, I almost told him I was chatting with someone because that’s how honest I am being. I didn’t but it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

All this to say, I am not going to be your mistress/secret/whateverthefuckiam forever. I want to talk about this when we meet but I am wondering if it wouldn’t be better to just stop talking until we are both separated (if/when that happens). This is something I want to talk through because I don’t want to be dicked around.

Listen, our chemistry is unmatched. I can play these games with you forever. But it’s not what I want. You want to meet once a year for a quickie in the library? I’m in. But you gotta make some fucking decisions and be a man. Grow some balls. Take some action. For me. For your wife. For yourself.

All this to say, I am going to try to kiss you T/F and you have to decide if you’re going to let me.

Message: I'm not giving her false hope. I told her we need to go to therapy to work on ourselves and get a better understanding of her control issues and lack of love and why I lied, etc.. I was very clear with my feelings towards her and what I told you. It was hell for the past two weeks at my house, and I leaned on my uncle for support. I know that I need to make a decision for myself.

I think we need to meet to discuss everything. I don't and won't keep doing this either. No, we can't do that.

Agree. And you’re gonna have to try and stop me then.

Message: Let's plan for Friday. I guess Framingham St. (I'll follow your lead and time, and meet you inside the library I guess). I just don't know where to park.

Message: Okay, let me know what you think with time and location...

Ok, I will get back to you tomorrow on time and location. Check back in the morning. Sorry for some harshness today. You told me you could handle it so I chucked it at you. My bad.

Talk tomorrow.

Message: Okay, will do and no worries. There's really nothing I can't handle, I think you know that about me. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

Okkk, I’m sorry I don’t like to hear that I hurt you. So I apologize for that. I always want to be a place of peace and safety for you and I never want to be something you have to survive or “handle.” But if I don’t speak my truth (which unfortunately comes out more bluntly than I’d like at times), I would not be giving myself to you the way you deserve. And you deserve so much. No matter what happens. You owe me nothing other than truth. However that comes. Whenever it comes.

Let’s have a little fun together with whatever time we have. Let’s make each other feel good when we can. However we can. Whatever that means. So flirt with me (you know I like that). When you mentioned the playlist was permanently in your brain…tingles. So, let’s cross/blur a line here and there. We’ve already been doing that for months anyway. We only get one life and likely one more shot at this. Let’s give it hell.

I can be in Framingham by 10am on Friday. How about we meet at Bowditch Field at 475 Union Ave. Framingham? You can park there and hop in my car and then we can go figure out where to park on campus near the library (are you comfortable with that?). It’s a minute from campus (maybe 2). If one of us gets a ticket, it’ll be me and you’ll be in the clear cause Bowditch is public.

If you have the time and energy to answer this, I will meet you with kindness today (promise): what hurt most about what I said to you yesterday? Sending you a sweet little smile and maybe a wink, if you dig it.

Message: Good morning,
You don't owe me an apology. I appreciate your honesty. Would you be able to meet tomorrow at the same time and plan if I can't do Friday? I will have an answer by around 9ish today. I am sure you already know this, but I need to say it anyway, you still need to be safe; P.I. might be on you. How do you feel regarding the parking/pick up plan?

In regards to the hurt, can I save it for tomorrow's talk? I feel like we'll have a lot to talk about and hope we have enough time (as crazy as that sounds). I appreciate your kindness and that's all I need today because I'm down. If I have time to process that what hurt me most I will, I just need time (it's a busy day teaching today) and could respond at any time. I send you a smile right back!

Ain’t nobody watching me. Or tracking me. I am certain of that. But yes, I will be safe for sure. I worry about your situation more than anything else, but I’m good. Tomorrow is fine too, let me know. I am cool with the parking/pick up plan.

Save for our talk, yes. Here if you have time.

No wink?

Message: My smile gives a natural, weird looking, flawed wink that you like or liked. You are the winker, and it's cute. More soon/later...

Ooooo he flirts…

Message: Let's do tomorrow. I will stick to your plan and park at the field. I'm not flirting, those are your words, I am just being nice!

“Just being nice?” Ew, now you’re just annoying me. Tomorrow it is.

What is the male version of a “mistress?” In the show Bridgerton they call it a “rake.” Man, you are a SHITTY rake.

Message: Just stop with the whole mistress stuff already. Tomorrow it is. How is your day?

My bad, did you like “side-piece” better? God I love when you get feisty.

Day is wonderful. Listening to my girl Ella Langley on repeat and making some marketing materials. “Nicotine” is my current fave but she’s a little too country for you I think. Anyway, I’m mostly just working on creative stuff for Unraveled today and newsletters. We are headed to Sedona, Wisconsin and Montana this year…maybe Vegas too? So lots of things to put together.

Busy teaching day? What does that entail? Just back-to-back classes? Do the kids call you Mr. B? Or they go with the full Bertoni? Can I call you Mr. Bertoni tomorrow?

Message: I like none of it, but I like you. Good, I'm glad you're well. I've heard her, not bad. I'm proud of you, very talented. Back-to-back classes, I teach both Health and PE, like a ping pong most days. They call me both, or other names. You sure can. I miss calling you by your last name, because it's all I know, but it's gone and sad.

You can call me whatever you want baby. I’m still a Mooney at heart.

Why are you sad and down today? Because I hurt your cute little feelings yesterday?

Oh. Quick thought. I like that we are meeting tomorrow because I didn’t love the idea of Friday. Every single time we meet in person we decide “oh let’s not talk for forever and ever” and then I leave and I have so many notes, questions and things I need to say. SO, no matter what, can we agree that Friday we are able to email follow-up questions and feelings?

Message: Same issues, did a lot of reflecting yesterday. Working on scheduling marriage counseling during my prep today. I need to act and make decisions. I am trying, but difficult during school day.

Yea, I am sure it is. You are doing your best with a not-so-easy situation. I can give you some action tomorrow if that’s what you’re looking for. WHY IS IT SOOOOO EASY?! teheheh.

Message: Yeah, it sucks but I created it. If I'm being honest, I'm frustrated you keep saying that kind of stuff. I know what's coming next...

Since when did you become such a sensitive little soul? I’ll stop but I think deep down somewhere you like it. You are just scared. I know why. You know why. But neither of us will say it. And it has nothing to do with me getting too close to you (if I am confusing you I mean: you’re not scared of me trying to kiss you or anything…you know you can stop me or push me away). You’re scared of deeper things.

Message: I'm tough and sensitive, that's what you like about me. I know and you know, that's not even a ..... (i.e. struggling with word, need your help). Emotionally, you're all I need right now, you are already close to me and always will be no matter what. I just want to talk to you about everything tomorrow and feel like we're not going to have enough time.

Message: Marriage counseling=booked

I don’t know what word you are looking for there. Maybe I confused myself haha. You’re the one who is never ready for our conversations. You are always just dipping your toes into speaking your truth. I am like full-fledge boob-deep splashing around in the water. So come in strong and ready to go. Time to say what you gotta say toots or you’re gonna find yourself out of time…

Proud of you for booking the counselor. How long can you stay tomorrow?

Oh wait were you saying “thats not even a possibility?” about me kissing you?

Message: Haha-I am speaking my truth, woman! boob deep?, really... Gotcha.

Thanks, I can stay until 1:30ish. Any chance of meeting earlier or no? And, no comment.

So political with the no comment. Reminds me a wee bit of the final scene in Notting Hill at the press conference (total stretch). “Right, um Dominic, if you’d like to ask your question again.”

Skip to 6:30 minutes if you have the time to watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTaVuY4rBa4

It’s a total stretch but for some reason it popped into my head.

I might be able to pull off 9ish tomorrow, could you?

Message: Okay, so I have been thinking. Are you okay if I write to you first, then decide if we need to meet?

You’re scaring me but yes. I really want to see you tomorrow Will. Can you maybe like start the conversation and we can finish it tomorrow? I don’t think I will be okay if tomorrow doesn’t happen now that I've been thinking about tomorrow.

Message: Okay, I can pull it off. It's really because I don't trust Meg tracking, etc.. I haven't even had time to look in my car and other things. Do you want me to type in some things I need to discuss tomorrow. I will stick to the plan to see you though no matter what.

I get that. I need you. Don’t do that to me.

Yes, I would love to hear things you want to discuss deeper tomorrow. It’ll give me time to think on them too.

If you’d rather park further from campus, I can pick you up elsewhere… I am cool with that too. Like would you prefer to park at a store or something like that? Natick mall and a bunch of places on route 9 could be slightly less weird? Want me to come closer to you? Meet outside a doctors building and drive you somewhere? Franklin?

Message: It will be heavy, so please be understanding because whatever you want to call it our relationship, means alot to me, and I have faith we could reunite in the future.. I don't want us to ever have resentment towards each other.

The pressure is a lot, unbearable, and something has to change/give (I think we both agree on that).
For me, I need to always put Luca first and always will (as you know, the man always get screwed in a divorce and I know I will lose not having him in my potential place and will have to deal with it).
I have to deal with Meg and this messy next chapter of counseling, separation, and divorce. I have come to terms that her control issues with always be there and nothing is going to change that. I have the answer now and don't want to stay in it.
I am not giving up on the possibility of us in the future, but need to get through my shit first (and if it's fair, deep down believe you do to). What's another year of waiting? We could do that and are smart enough to figure out ways to communicate to each other when it's all said and done. As you know, this is rushed because I have to teach 3 back-to-back, but wanted to get this out so you have time to process and we can still meet tomorrow to talk more. I will respond to you no matter what after school.

No resentment at all (right now). Nothing but truth right there. I am on a similar page but still dancing with the question of if you and I would still fit if we let go and took that space. I’m not really sure anymore I guess. And what does that space look like? We can talk about it tomorrow I guess.

I’m just unsure about you at this point I think. And I’m not sure if I will ever be sure about you again. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Read above for my thoughts on meeting other places, if you’re more comfortable. Maybe it won’t even take that long. Just let me know. I’ll be wherever by 9am. If I am running late, I will update the page but I should be timely.

Adding: actually, you know what? If you don’t want to meet tomorrow, we don’t have to. Don’t do it on my account

Message: Okay, I can't type until later. I am open to other places.

Nope wait. Yepp, I’m pissed.

ALSO THE FUCKING PRESSURE? There’s that word again. Dude I wasn’t able to respond to you as quickly as I possibly could yesterday and I could feel you and see you NEEDING ME. You are going to blow everything. Everything thats good, bud. It’s what you do. Just keep losing and pushing away the good shit. Worked for you so well the first time.

Clearly you like em toxic and controlling so you don’t ever have to be truly vulnerable and consumed by someone else. You hate that I make you feel weak cause you fucking need me.

If you want to meet tomorrow tell me when and where.

Nope there’s more…you, my friend, are confusing pressure with your own intense DESIRES. Tell me I’m wrong.

Message: I want to meet with you and talk. You're not wrong with a lot of things. Let's talk them out tomorrow. Let's just meet at Diamond Hill and go to that coffee shop in Cumberland or no?

Fine. 9am? Might be able to get there for 8:30, not sure.

Message: Sure, or do you want to meet elsewhere? It's a long drive as you know, but I don't care.

Doesn’t matter to me. Feels like a little close to home in a coffee shop but I never went inside to see if there’s some space…so I’ll do it if you want. Running out of time until you are home and unable to talk so you tell me since you’re the one who wanted to cancel or change it up. or we cancel.

Message: I didn't want to cancel just wanted to give you my honesty first to process. I can do Framingham if you want, I'm with with that.

I don’t believe you. You could feel me pulling away and framing this relationship in a way you didn't like (too sexual and not emotional enough) and you wanted the upper hand because you’re just like her and need control and I make you weak and vulnerable because you want/need/”like”me (like is your new favorite word — give me a break) more than you can admit and you are pressuring YOURSELF with me. I will see you in fucking Framingham at 9am ish and I am probably going to be fucking naked so you are pissing yourself the whole time. You deserve to be tortured.

Message: That's not it, Sarah. You don't make me feel weak, you make me feel good. That would be weird and make you way more noticeable than a coffee shop, but I'll see you at the field. You could run around naked there, but not the library. I am torturing you right now.

9:00ish?

DON’T BE FUNNY. I am going to flash you my FUCKING BOOBS AND KISS YOUR FUCKING FACE. YOU DUMB CLUELESS ASSHOLE. I am confused though. Where are we meeting?

And yes I do make you weak in a way that scares you. In a way that you don’t have CONTROL over your actions or feelings because you know what WILL FUCKFACE PATRICK BERTONI? You are obsessed with me. I am your fucking drug. Fucking snort me. Why does it feel good to talk to me? YOU KNOW WHY. YOU’RE JUST TOO SCARED TO SAY IT. Cause you dont have the fucking balls to do something so simple like fucking kiss me or find a way to make me yours.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE MEETING?

Message: Wow-You said you know the Framingham St. library well. Meet at the field, right?
You don't scare me. What?! Oh my, you need a break!

The field at 9ish, your car, and then library for a fun-filled session.

You are in for a real treat tomorrow. I am going to make life so difficult for you. Just wait.

Bowditch field, 9 am. I’ll be the naked girl in the car beside you hahaha. Don’t make me play the mmmm playlist you little fucker.

Message: Wow, you can play the list on the way to library. You'll probably play your girl Olivia.

You love that I just put you back up on that fucking high horse. I can’t wait to knock you off. See you tomorrow.

Message: Nonsense, see you tomorrow.